Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part III

This is the third in an occasional series of posts showing how several of the issues I discuss in this blog show up in letters to newspaper advice columnists. In order to assure themselves a wide readership, advice columnists must bring us problems that resonate with a fairly wide demographic, and they therefore provide us with another source of information about human behavior and cultural trends.

I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar & Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).

Of course these letters leave out a lot of what might really be going on with the writer, and I will be admittedly speculating about how the behavior described in the letters may be examples of covert issues that are not being directly discussed.

Before each letter, I will discuss the blog subject that seems to be being discussed. I will also include a link to a related post. I am not including the columnist’s responses to the letters. 

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In the following letter, a father pushes his son away by constantly telling him what a disappointment he is. The son has rejected the trappings of what the father considers successful living. It is quite likely in such situations that the "disappointing" son might be acting out the father's repressed or covert rebelliousness against the very standards the father seems to embrace. 

In such situations, the father probably does things on rare occasions that indicate to the son that the father is "getting off" on what the son is doing - but then the father rejects him as a way of rejecting that part of himself that he finds unacceptable. In actuality, those parts were unacceptable to his own family of origin.  The son then obliges by keeping his distance. Thus, this could be a possible example of the role of Avenger.

12/6/15, Carolyn Hax.  Dear Carolyn: Through the years, my husband has learned to let go of the hopes and dreams he had for his son, that he would achieve financial and social success as my husband defines it: white-collar job, nice house, nice cars, wife and family, membership to country club, all the trappings that he has achieved for himself and that represent success to him. His son, on the other hand, works in the restaurant trade (not in management), lives a pretty bohemian lifestyle but has neither been in trouble with the law nor abused drugs... Husband has never made it a secret that he feels son could have done better. Son has never married at age 40 but now finds himself the father of a child (he plans to take responsibility for the child). We want to be a part of this child’s life. At this point, the only expectations my husband has of his son is that he respond to his efforts to contact him. To no avail. Son responds on his own timeline or not at all despite repeated requests. My husband wants to draw a line in the sand over this. I think we should go with total capitulation for the sake of the future grandchild. How can I be supportive of my husband (“Yes, I understand how frustrating this communication thing is for you”) but still make it clear that I will not take part in any “line in the sand” stance? This is creating tension between my husband and me. - The Step Mother

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In the States, we tend to think people are basically selfish and don't care what other people think, especially family members. We think kids growing up are more influenced by their peers and the media. Of course, the questions of which media a teen looks at and with which peers he or she chooses to associate with - and there is a large variety to choose from - is ignored in these formulations. The choices people make are no accident. Also, as I've pointed out many times, kids who appear to be oppositional to their parent's wants and values only do that because that is what they think the parents expect of them.

I believe people really are willing to sacrifice their own opinions and desires in order to please their parents. Of course, how much one can challenge parental values depends on how conflicted the parents are about them. In the following letter, a woman performs summersaults trying to both be her own person and please her parents at the same time. 

12/14/15. Ask Amy. Dear Amy: I have been with my partner for five years; he rents his own place and I live with my parents. My parents are old-fashioned and believe I can only live with him when we are married (I used to share this view, but now I don't). I have finished college and have moved back home to pay off my debt and save for a house (or wedding!). My partner's home is five minutes away from my workplace and my folks' house is one hour away (in good traffic), so I do frequent "sleepovers" at his place. This is causing tension in both households. I pay rent to my parents and I help out my partner by cleaning up after myself and buying bread, milk and eggs regularly. But he says that I'm using him, and that I'm just doing the minimum. He says I should be preparing dinners for both of us when I am there, doing washing, or helping by paying rent or at least one utility bill. Now I'm broke, tired and grumpy. I'm at his house cooking and cleaning, and then when I'm at my parents, I'm doing exactly the same thing to appease them because I've slept over at my partner's house. I've gone cold turkey and have slept only at one home, but then money is wasted on gas driving back and forth. I can't afford to move out and I don't want to get married just so we can live together. HELP!!! — Betwixt

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When someone is playing a dysfunctional role within their family of origin, it can be difficult and painful. When seeking a spouse or partner, such people will often pick someone who will help them to continue to play the difficult role. They, in turn, help their spouses play a difficult role within the spouse's own family of origin. This is what I refer to as mutual role function support. It can be thought of as a form of mutual enabling.  

It is important to remember that the alcoholic enables the "co-dependent" to be a co-dependent as much as the co-dependent enables the alcoholic. The whole process is bidirectional - it goes both ways simultaneously. In the following letter, the son of a controlling mother marries a spouse who is also rather controlling, as even the advice columnist recognized. In a variation on this theme, the mother and the wife start competing with one another over who will have the most control over the poor guy. If the mother's need to control men were a bigger issue for her and her family, he might never have even become engaged in the first place.

12/15/15. Ask Amy.  Dear Amy: I have a controlling, manipulative, guilt-tripping mother-in-law-to-be! I know that each time I hear from her she is just trying to trap me into saying yes to something. These traps include trying to get me to change our wedding plans, and roping me into a jewelry party hosted by her friend (repeatedly pushing on that). She just can't understand the word "no." When I did say no she whined to my fiancé, saying it felt like a slap in the face (can you say "manipulation"?). This has to stop. My fiancé tried dealing with it by telling his mom that I will say no to some things, but I felt this was really his way of calling me "pushy." My fiancé tried the kid gloves approach and it didn't work. I decided to take matters into my own hands and texted her three examples of her overstepping her boundaries and letting her know it would no longer be tolerated. She had the nerve to say it made her "sad." Now he is having a hard time because his mom is upset. He doesn't understand that we have to back each other up, especially in situations like this. His mom is so bad that she needs a copy of his shift schedule at work because she wants to keep track of him. Maybe my approach is too direct, but so what? We are in our 40s and don't need to be under her thumb. I don't let my mom get away with this kind of behavior, and I'm certainly not letting a MIL do this. What is your opinion, Amy? — Upset

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One of the most read posts on my Psychology Today blog, and the one which generated some of the most heated responses from reader, posed the question of whether parents who had been cut off by their adult children were really as clueless about the reasons that happened as they portray themselves to be in public. With my patients, unlike the followers of many psychotherapy schools, I always presume that people are never too stupid to notice that their repetitive behavior leads to bad outcomes - yet they continue to engage in it anyway.

The following letter is remarkable in that, while ostensibly asking advice, the mother of an alcoholic woman, who is also what I refer to as a Minnie the Moocher, admits as clearly as imaginable that "I know I've enabled my daughter for her entire life."

12/28/15. Annies' Mailbox.  Dear Annie: Our oldest daughter is married to a nice man and they have a sweet 2-year-old daughter. My son-in-law makes good money and my daughter can afford to stay home, but they never seem to have enough to get ahead. My daughter has been known to spend foolishly. They only have one car and it doesn't run half the time. They can't afford another. We let them live in our home for a year rent-free, so they could save enough to purchase their first house. I know I've enabled my daughter for her entire life. She is very spoiled and self-centered. We argue a great deal and exchange hurtful words. Regularly, I surrender to her selfishness and give her money or run errands for her, even though I work full-time. I do these things because she is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, and I fear she will otherwise return to that life again. She doesn't attend her meetings anymore. I don't know how to handle her. I'm either forced to defend myself or give in to her whims. She never appreciates anything I do for her and she never does anything for me. Her husband is no better. He is selfish and spoiled by his mother, and he also enables my daughter. She's a good mother, but I babysit a lot. Her husband doesn't complain when she gets together with her friends, but he works long hours and they don't have much time together. I think he feels neglected. How do I know when to do things for her and when not to? How do I tell the difference between enabling and being a good mother? When she gets into one of her horrible, blaming moods, how do I handle that? This child has become a bitter pill to swallow, but I love her so much.  — Mother of a Narcissist

Are Parents Who are Cut Off by Their Adult Children Really That Clueless? (Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part III)

**For an interesting exception to the pattern discussed in this post, see an update at  http://davidmallenmd.blogspot.com/2016/03/adult-children-who-cut-off-their.html

In the advice column Annie’s Mailbox by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, there has recently been a series of letters from the parents of adult children who have cut them out of their lives. The parents complain that they have absolutely no idea and do not understand why this has happened, and they seem to indicate that they had been just model parents or, at worst, guilty of some very minor parental transgressions.

Lately, a couple of other letter writers opined that just perhaps the parental behavior was a lot more problematic than these folks would have the world believe. For the most part, whenever I delve into the family dynamics of those patients who either cut off parents or have been cut off like this, that is certainly always the case.

In reading the letters from the parents who just cannot seem to figure out why their children have cut them off, a question arises. Are they really that clueless? Are they “in denial?” - whatever that means?  To me, “denial” of reality is just – how should I put this? – lying.

In fact, when such parents are in the process of portraying themselves as the innocent victims of mean-spirited, unreasonable adult children, they are in fact, pushing their adult children even further away. They are, in a sense, invalidating their adult children’s sense of reality about what transpires in their relationships.  In doing so, they are literally being hateful. This of course further infuriates the adult children. This illustrates one subtle form of distancing behavior. 

The last letter in the following series illustrates the adult child's anger about this issue better than I ever could.

(How such situations might be repaired is described by the letter writer of 4/5/14).

10/8/13.  Dear Annie: When our daughter was a child, she had emotional issues and extensive anger management problems. With tremendous concern and love, we got her professional support and therapy, and ultimately, our daughter learned the skills to control herself. What we did not do was tell extended family members of these private problems. We had seen their extreme intolerance for any kind of mental health issues and did not want our daughter to suffer prejudice from her own family. In college, the troubling incidents started again. Because of our daughter's refusal to let us have access to her medical information, we had no real idea of what was happening. The next few years included troubling breakups with both friends and boyfriends, extreme weight loss and talk of suicide.

Our daughter is now 32 and recently married. She suddenly and inexplicably has cut us off. When we try to communicate with her, she becomes hysterical with rage. We have learned she has been saying horrible things about us to the same extended family members we tried to protect her from in childhood. We are devastated. One relative actually told my husband that we must have done something terrible to our daughter for her to treat us this way. These family members now have a special, almost frenzied new importance to our daughter. They judge us constantly. To be accused of such mistreatment is insulting and painful. Please print this so these family members will stop jumping to conclusions. — Reading This Can Help

Dear Reading: Most likely, the only thing that will change their perspective is to be on the receiving end of your daughter's erratic behavior. Despite all the therapy she had when younger, her problems haven't disappeared. She has simply chosen to deal with them in her own way, which currently precludes a loving relationship with you. We hope that will change. While you cannot control what the relatives think, please take comfort in knowing you handled your daughter's issues in a way that protected and helped her. That is what good parents do.

12/26/13.  Dear Annie: You often print letters from older parents dealing with rejection from their adult children. This is literally an epidemic everywhere. Anger and hatred are destroying families. My husband and I have three adult children who were the delight of our lives. We had a typical loving family, with vacations, birthday parties and special celebrations that included friends and extended family. We had anxious times during illnesses, surgeries and accidents, but we made it through. All three of our children have grown to be successful, well-liked and respected adults. Sadly, over the past 22 years, they all have chosen to shut us out of their lives. We've had minor disagreements at times, but never any major battles that might justify their choices. None of them will tell us why they are angry. They refuse to have any contact or open dialog that might heal our relationship. I know you're probably thinking "there must be something." If so, we don't know what it is. My husband is 81, and I am 78. We understand there is a real possibility that we will never hear from our children before we die. We do our best to focus on the great times we had and to hold onto the many precious memories of their growing-up years. Holidays are the hardest, but with God's help, we make it through. We have forgiven our children and will always pray for them. We will always thank God for choosing us to be their parents. — Joining the Letting Go Club

Dear Joining: Your letter is heartbreaking. When children are brought up by loving parents, we don't know why some remain close and others do not. The same fire that melts butter will forge steel. If you have any family members who are in touch with your children, perhaps they could help you understand what is going on and even intercede on your behalf. In the meantime, you are wise to accept what you cannot change and compassionate to forgive those who have hurt you.

3/7/14. Dear Annie: My wife and I have lost contact with our son. He is a recovering addict. As far as we know, he has maintained a job and, I hope, has been able to stay clean. He has moved to a city about four hours away with his new girlfriend, and I am sure she is keeping him in line.  My wife is heartbroken. We maintained a room for him in our home until he was almost 30 years old. He was always close to his mother, and they would speak on a daily basis. Now, he doesn't call or take our calls or emails, and never accepts cards or letters. He said he needed space when he left, and that was a year ago. My wife grieves as though he has passed, crying at night, wondering what happened to our son. What should I do to relieve the pain? Should we keep trying to contact him? We don't understand how he can be so hurtful. — Tears in Vermont

Dear Tears: We are so sorry that your son has chosen to cut off contact, but you cannot force him to stay in touch. Are you in touch with the girlfriend? Is she a reliable partner, or might she be abusive? Even so, he is an adult, and you can only do so much without his cooperation. In the meantime, please consider counseling. You are grieving and worried, and you need to move forward so your son's absence doesn't become the focus of your daily life. It will not be easy. But we recommend that you keep sending your son emails and cards, just saying that you love him and that you will always be available should he decide to contact you. We hope he will. Soon.

4/5/14.  Dear Annie: Thanks for printing the letter from "Joining the Letting Go Club," who feel rejected by their grown children. One part of the letter got my attention — the part where they say they've had "minor disagreements" at times, but nothing so major as to cut off contact. I have had this same situation with my family, and honestly, sometimes the disagreements aren't as minor as the folks believe. 

Sometimes disagreements are downplayed to avoid dealing with the hurt feelings and poor communication between family members. The grown children may feel they can't talk to their parents because of negative and heated exchanges in the past. Nonetheless, I do agree that the grown children need to tell their parents why they don't have any contact, even if it upsets the parents. They have a right to know. Several years after a falling out, I reached out to my family members. Over time, we were able to rebuild our relationship, and last year, we had a wonderful Christmas holiday together. I greatly appreciate the special relationship my children now have with their grandparents. Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and do what is best for the family — even if you don't always agree. — No State

Dear No: How heartwarming that you took that first step — not only for your sake, but for that of your children.

2/28/14.   Dear Annie: I have followed the many outraged responses regarding adult children who have cut elderly parents out of their lives, so let me give another view. My mother is 86 and possessed of her faculties. She can live alone and unassisted. Both of my sisters cut her out of their lives years ago. Why? Because Mom has a cruel mouth and is bigoted, gratuitously insulting, highly opinionated and very vocal about what she thinks of you and everyone else. Mom complained that she has been shunned because of her age, and I told her it is because she is unpleasant and impossible, and that she should get counseling. She responded with a well-chosen two-word obscenity. So I'm done.

I have tried with great patience to keep Mom in my life, but she is so difficult that I, too, have finally thrown in the towel. I don't need the stress that she creates. Please let your readers know that the behavior of some adult children may be abundantly justified. — Finished in Chicago

5/10/14.  Dear Annie: I feel sure that, were she to pick up pen and paper, my mother would be among those parents wailing over their "heartless" children's "abandoning" them. My mother would say that she was a loving, wonderful parent, and I'm sure she believes it. Annie, this is a woman who told me every day that she wished she'd aborted me. When I was very little, she helpfully explained the term so I would know exactly what she meant. Very rarely are abusive parents capable of comprehending that they are, in fact, abusive. There is no child on Earth who wants to not have parents. If your kids have cut you out of their lives, there is a reason, and that reason is YOU. — S. 

Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part II

This is the second in series of posts showing how several of the issues I discuss in this blog show up in letters to newspaper advice columnists. Advice columnists must bring us problems that resonate with a fairly wide readership, and they therefore provide us with another source of information about human behavior and cultural trends.

I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar & Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).

I will highlight each theme with a title preceding each letter to the columnist that I've reproduced, reflecting the blog subject that seems to be discussed. The title will also be a link to a related post. I am not including the columnist’s responses to the letters. 

"In relationships, if you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got." ~ Amy Dickinson.

Whenever a family member has somewhat compulsively behaved in a certain manner for a very long time, and then decides to change, the change often does not go over well with the rest of the family. The others seem determined to force the changer to go back to his or her old ways. 

In this post, I am emphasizing the above process rather than the particular role described in these letters, which I have not previously discussed directly as a separate entity. In the following three letters, the writers all had served in various incarnations of the same role, and complain about the reactions of the rest of their families when circumstances changed. The role might be called the “family support person,” or in a more extreme form, the “family servant” or even “the enabler.”

6/7/13.  Dear Carolyn: I’ve always been the one in my family to give whenever possible. When I went to college, I took on student loans so my sister wouldn’t have to. A few years later, when her car died, I purchased a new one and gave her mine. When family needed help, I was always there. Now I’m trying to purchase a house, and no one seems the least bit interested in helping me. I swallowed my pride and asked for financial assistance, even if it was a “loan,” and was told tough toenails. Would it be wrong for me to cut my family out of my life? I feel as if I was the great son whenever I went out of my way to help, but now I’m just some annoyance. - Always the Giver

6/18/13. Dear Amy: I've spent most of my life being a support system for various friends and relatives through one crisis or another. I've always been proud of the fact that I'm someone they can rely on when they need to. Recently, I learned that I may have a debilitating disease for which there is no cure. No firm diagnosis has been reached, but at this point it doesn't look great. Since I received the last batch of test results, I have witnessed my friends and relatives pull away from me, dismiss my symptoms and change the subject if I bring it up. I understand that everyone has their own lives and problems, but I desperately need some support right now. — Lost

June 24, 2013.  Dear Annie: My husband and I both work 18-hour days at a hospital. When we get home, we are exhausted. Since our schedules are irregular, however, our siblings seem to think it means we are always available for free babysitting. My husband's sister (a stay-at-home mom) is forever dropping off her toddler, saying she needs to "de-stress." She never calls ahead. We've tried locking the door, but she has a key. My brother has dropped off his young sons multiple times without warning and with no indication of when he'd be back. He stopped when I told him I was going to start charging him $12.50 an hour.  

The last straw was when my oldest brother's wife arrived one weekend in a van with seven little girls and stated that these kids were staying overnight with us because she and her girlfriend were going to a spa. I was just getting off a 24-hour shift, and I told her politely that since she hadn't checked with me beforehand, she'd have to make other arrangements because I was too exhausted to care for her girls and those of her friend. She became angry and told my nieces that I don't love them. Her girlfriend, whom I had never met, screamed at me from the passenger window. After they left, I got nasty phone calls from my brother and parents. The friend sent me an itemized bill and asked that I reimburse her for the spa trip they missed. Instead of responding, my husband and I sent our family members an email outlining that we love them and our nieces and nephews, but we would no longer be available for babysitting unless it was an emergency. We apologized for being rude or for causing them any trouble. The email was much kinder and more polite than they deserved, but we hoped it would allow us to start over. It was not received well. Currently, the only person speaking to us is my father-in-law. We considered moving in order to have boundaries, but I resent being forced out of a house I love.  I miss my family. What can we do? — Not the Nanny

Your Spouse’s Secret Mission 

Wherein one’s spouse plays the villain to take the heat off a husband or wife who cannot stand up to his or her own family.

8/19/12. Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law tends to go to her family. She says she is uncomfortable with my son's side. She has been rude to us since she married my son, and she controls him. She threatens him if he does not do what she wants. My daughter had a fight with my daughter-in-law four years ago, and I just woke up to the fact that my daughter-in-law blames us for my daughter's actions. My husband and I tried therapy with my son and daughter-in-law, but it made things worse. I left, saying that I am not happy with either of them and I just want to see my grandchildren. My son said that if I don't continue with therapy, I won't see the kids again. They are using the children as weapons to control us. I told her she didn't like us from Day One. She told me she doesn't trust me. My new granddaughter had a baptism, and my daughter-in-law told us it was an occasion only for her family. We were insulted and hurt. I'm thinking of going to court and suing for grandparents' rights. — Trustworthy

Tag, you’re it 

Despite the protestations of heritability study authors across the universe, parents do not treat all of their children the same.

9/21/13.  Dear Annie: I'd like to add my two cents about whether parents treat their children the same. Mom, Sis and I live equidistant from one another. Sis still lives near the place where we grew up. Mom moved to a warmer climate. We call each other every weekend to catch up and stay in touch. Sis and I fly to visit Mom about once a year. Mom visits Sis and her family a few times a year. But despite the many invitations I have extended, she will not visit me. When I had heart surgery five years ago, Mom did not come. When I was hospitalized for pancreatitis, Mom did not come. Of the 25 stage plays I've appeared in, Mom came to see exactly one. She will never see the home my wife and I remodeled. It seems the things that are important to me don't matter much to her. I suppose there is a certain amount of validity in her excuse that there's nothing that interests her in my city, but when we visit our son and his family, we don't care whether there is anything to do. We are simply glad to be with them. Does Mom love me? Certainly. Does she love me as much as my sister? Probably. Does she treat us the same? Judge for yourself. — That's My Lot in Life

Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part I

Carolyn Hax

In this series of posts, I will show how several of the issues I discuss in the blog show up in letters to newspaper advice columnists. These columns have historically been written by women, but some men are entering the fray. The first ones were seen in Britain and the writers were referred to as agony aunts.

Of course, some of the published letters may me fakes, and the prejudices of the columnists determine which letters they publish and which of the many that they receive go unpublished. Nonetheless, as I have mentioned in previous posts, in order to have a wide readership, they must bring us problems that resonate with a fairly wide readership. This provides another source of information about human behavior for any mental health professional aware of the fact that the entire world of their patients does not consist of what they see or hear in their offices.

One other important point: there is always way more to the writers’ story than they possibly could tell in a short letter, even if they wanted to.

 I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar & Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).

I will underscore each theme with a title reflecting the blog subject that seems to be discussed in the letters, which will also be a link to a related post. I’m not putting the columnist’s responses in the posts, as I will either give my own take or list any questions that the letter would raise, and lead me to ask, if I heard the story in a therapy or patient evaluation session – the “holes in the story,” as it were.

An abused daughter is angry at Dad but is still protective of him

Most formerly abused adults have covert protective feelings towards their abuser, no matter how bent on justice or revenge they seem to fancy themselves. This particular letter writer admits to these feelings here anonymously, but not to people who know her in her actual life.

2/21/13.  Dear Carolyn: My father was an awful dad. He was the first person to ever call me a “b----” (I was 9) and was absent when he wasn’t antagonistic. Bad, bad Dad. The thing is, I’ve always toed the party line, always said the very best things about him publicly. I lied with a smile for decades and continue to now that it’s pretty clear his days/hours are numbered. I’ve contacted extended family and old colleagues to let them know this great man is ready for the last bits of adulation they may offer. I represent him within our small community and receive and share the sadness of his demise. He’s still so hurtful to me in every way imaginable and yet here I am, being a sucker until the very end. How do I deal with all of the self-loathing for having essentially been complicit in his bad behavior? I can hear (the imagined?) tsk-tsking from your readers (and from you, Carolyn, because you lost a mom who was clearly amazing and devoted). I’ve decided not to speak about any of this as my last gift to him, but it’s costing me. I’m just so angry at myself. How do I deal with it? I genuinely wish him no ill will; I’m just torn up by the lack of justice here. Not only will he never be held accountable for being so unrelentingly selfish and cruel, but now I’m burdened with these feelings that I fear would only make me sound petulant and somehow ungrateful. Moreover, he honestly wouldn’t know what I’m talking about because he is so utterly convinced of his own blamelessness. Help. - Anonymous

Another aspect of families protecting abusive members (the protection racket) is seen in cases in which an entire family pressures the daughter of an abusive father, say, to let him babysit her kids. In a sense, the family is banding together to deny the earlier abuse ever took place, so they must pretend letting him do this is not dangerous. Therefore, they gang up on the protesting parent (I call ganging up in this manner clustering). 

A certain percentage of people in the situation of trying to keep their kids away from dangerous adults actually give in to the family pressure and expose their kids to the risk. And almost all of them have difficulty dealing with the pressure. Here are three examples:

2/22/13. Dear Carolyn: I grew up with a mother who was profoundly manipulative, volatile and mean-spirited. My siblings and I all have anxiety disorders for which we have sought counseling. I have distanced myself from my mother and have a happy life with my husband and 4-year-old daughter.  I have begun allowing my mother limited contact with my daughter out of my mother’s desire to have a relationship with her. I am comfortable with where the boundaries currently are, but my mother is not. She continually pushes to have my daughter for weekend visits (she lives several hours away). I do not believe she would overtly harm my daughter, but she can fly off the handle when upset and has very different ideas than I do about what is acceptable behavior from a ­4-year-old.  My family seems to think I am being unreasonable to hold my mother at such distance. My sister has no personal relationship with her but does allow her to babysit her children. Am I wrong not to allow weekend visits, or am I being realistic? - Anxious Mother

9/9/13.  DEAR ABBY: My 61-year-old father was arrested recently for 30 counts of possession of child pornography. He has had a rough past -- he cheated on my mother and has had multiple stints in rehab for alcohol abuse. During my teenage years he verbally abused me. My mother is in denial about the entire situation and the fact that he is facing time in prison for his actions.  Nine months ago, my husband and I were blessed with the birth of our beautiful baby girl. I feel I must protect her from my parents and my father in particular. Some of my family agree with my decision, others disagree because I am my parents' only child. Am I wrong for not wanting my father and possibly my mother any longer in my life? -- TOUGH LOVE IN FLORIDA

3/5/13. DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law, "Earl," is an alcoholic and an avid gun enthusiast. He owns many weapons; I don't know the exact number. He has been accumulating ammunition at an accelerated rate because he's afraid that large clips will soon be banned. He drinks to excess and becomes belligerent and angry when drunk. Last summer, during one of his moments of inebriation, he shot a gun into the air as a "surprise" to the eight family members who were sitting within two to 10 feet of him. He takes pride in the fact that his guns are kept loaded, as "what good is an unloaded gun?" On two separate occasions, I know for a fact that a loaded gun was found unsecured in his home. When my husband and I travel with our children, ages 7, 5 and 4, to visit his family, we stay in Earl's home. I feel the combination of alcohol and loaded, unsecured guns is not safe for my children. I have suggested to my husband that we stay in a hotel during our visits from now on. The problem is, my husband is unable to stand up to his father. He told me that when he tried talking to him about his concerns, Earl called him a "wimp." Please tell me how to get through to my husband. I don't want to alienate his family, and I do want my children to have a relationship with their grandfather. -- GUN-SHY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

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Clueless grandparents are at risk of causing problems for yet another generation

Annie's Mailbox 

2/27/13. Dear Annie: My daughter is a drug addict who is in and out of jail. Over the past 14 years, we have taken custody of her four children. Two of the kids are great. However, the other two are the problem. The oldest girl just turned 18 and moved out. This kid made our lives miserable. She saw counselors multiple times and began cutting herself, and we finally had to have her committed to a hospital. We did whatever we thought would work, but nothing did. She quit school and now lives with any friend who will take her in. Now, one of the other girls is 13 and doing the same thing. It's as if they lose their minds once they hit middle school. Her grades are down, she is getting into trouble at school, she cuts classes and has briefly run away twice. The other two kids are very involved with school and church and are as good as they can be. But, Annie, we don't want to handle the 13-year-old anymore. All of the counseling, the discipline, the problems, it's too much. My stomach is in knots trying to decide what to do. I am so tired of kids who think they know everything but are dumber than dirt, and all of the drama they command. My friends tell me to turn her over to foster care, but no one else is going to worry enough about her. My husband has had two heart surgeries in the past year, and my blood pressure is way too high, even though I take medication. Should I put her in foster care? — Helpless, Tired Granny

Some "More to the Story" questions: The letter writers say that they “tried everything” to discipline their daughter without success, and they seem to be having similar troubles with two of their grandchildren. What is entailed by their phrase “tried everything” – what specific things are those? Did they give up on a disciplinary strategy and go on to another one way too quickly? Did they try to micromanage everything in their daughter's life in order to save her from herself? Or did they perhaps bounce back and forth between over-involvement and neglect?

The writers’ ambivalence over taking care of children is palpable from the letter alone, which, if an accurate reflection of their feelings, puts them at risk of creating children with borderline personality disorder.  It is interesting that half the grandkids do not create any problems.  How do the writers, as well as the children’s mother, relate differently to each child? (I can almost guarantee that they do).  Does a given child remind them of themselves or another relative they had trouble with?  What do the mother and grandparents say to each other in the presence of the grandchildren?

Freddie the Freeloader and Minnie the Moocher Update

In my post of August 10, 2012, Freddie the Freeloader and Minnie the Moocher, I described how family members often enable other family members – usually adult children but any family member really – to be deadbeat no-accounts who refuse to grow up, get jobs, and move out on their own. The Freddies and Minnies continue to mooch off of the enabling family member with that family member’s almost compulsive and enthusiastic cooperation - in many cases while simultaneously being criticized unmercifully by them all the while they are being enabled by them.

Well, if letters to advice columnists are any indication, this problem continues to expand in a variety of interesting ways. 2012 seems, in fact, to have been a banner year for Freddies and Minnies. Below are some examples of letters by concerned outsiders, and sometimes from the clueless enablers themselves, from the advice columns Dear Abby, Carolyn Hax, Ask Amy, and Annies’ Mailbox.

The root cause of this enabling in a majority of cases of such enabling is, IMO, parental guilt over having their own lives separate from their children in situations in which the enablers' own families of origin frown on individualistic pursuits.

I considered turning this post into a game of Are the Freddies/Minnies just doing what is expected of them by their enablers, or are they in fact mentally ill? That issue came up in some of the letters. I decided against doing this because it would not be much of a game. None of the Freddies and Minnies described in these letters is bipolar!!

I apologize in advance for the length of the post. I like to illustrate all the different ways a phenomenon I discuss can present itself (and also illustrate how common it is), but they all do kinda boil down to the same thing. Read as few or as many of these 35 [!] letters as hold your interest.

1.      1/19/12.  Dear Annie: I am in a relationship with a widower. He is a thoughtful person and works two jobs. His two adult sons live in his home with their girlfriends. Neither of the boys pays rent. Nor do they buy groceries or cleaning supplies. They never offer to take their father out to dinner or do anything special for him. Their father buys their vehicles and pays their insurance. The house is in shambles. The boys' only responsibility is to take the trash to the dump and mow the yard in the summer. They do this grudgingly and not very well. The boys show little respect for their father. They leave beer bottles and dirty dishes all over the kitchen and their shoes, dirty clothes and trash all over the house. No one cleans a bathroom or vacuums a floor. They are busy working out, doing what they want with their friends or going out drinking. One of the girlfriends is always broke and looking for a handout, but she has money to get hammered every weekend. She doesn't lift a finger around the house and has the nerve to tell my boyfriend what he needs to buy to make her more comfortable.  My boyfriend thinks that this is normal behavior and that I am the one with the problem. He believes it is his responsibility to take care of them, because they don't have "good" jobs that pay a lot of money. He would never kick them out.  We don't live together and never will under these circumstances. My boyfriend reads your column every day. Will you tell him I'm not the only one who thinks this situation stinks? — Kick 'Em Out!

2.      1/25/12.  Dear Annie: I have two sisters. They never have been financially savvy, especially when it comes to saving money. They start and then decide it's a waste of time and end up spending everything they set aside. I'm the opposite. I have always saved for whatever I needed or wanted. My grandfather got me into the habit when I was 10, and I kept it up long after he passed away. Over the past 15 years, I managed to save quite a bit. But when my parents saw what I had, they demanded that I share it with my sisters. I absolutely refuse. This is my money. I earned it. I saved it. And I told them that. Since then, I've been receiving messages from my parents that "families help each other out" and "families share." My parents have always given my sisters money whenever they needed it. When I was in high school, I would always give them money when they needed it. Now that the folks are retired, they say it's my job to help my sisters. I say it's not. Why should I give them my hard-earned income because they can't be frugal? I feel as though I am being punished for being financially responsible. My sisters haven't saved a dime toward their own retirements, so this is only going to get worse. What can I do? — Stuck in the Middle

3.      2/7/12.  Dear Annie: After 40 years of marriage, my wife came home from work one day and said she was leaving. I decided then that I would never marry again. Four years ago, I met "Lynn." Now, of course, I am madly in love with her. She never ceases to amaze me with her big heart and infectious smile. She accepts that I don't want to marry, but I have noticed that when someone gets engaged, her mood changes dramatically. She becomes depressed and cries, and I can see the hurt in her face. I've decided I do want to marry Lynn, but the problem is her 20-year-old son, "Mike." He is bipolar and uses that as an excuse to sleep all day and play video games all night. He once said he can't get the mail because he is bipolar. He lives with multiple friends, each of whom eventually kicks him out because he won't help out and he steals from them. When Mike lived with Lynn, he stole from her, screamed at her, snuck out at night and got into legal trouble. They went to counseling together, and Lynn was on serious depression medicines until Mike moved out. When Mike calls, Lynn breaks out in a nervous rash. Mike stayed here for two weeks last year and hacked my computer, watched porn all night and stole from us. Lynn and I are scared to death that he will run out of housing options and she will have to take him in. My heart says to marry Lynn, but my head doesn't want to take on the issues with Mike. What do I do? — Confused

4.      2/28/12.  Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for 20 years. She has a grown daughter from her first marriage. I watched "Lori" grow up and love her as my own. My wife always has been fiercely defensive of Lori. I can't say anything remotely negative or critical about her without risking a big argument. Even the suggestion of having Lori help around the house or clean up her room would cause a fight. Lori is a good kid, but she has never wanted for anything. My wife makes no secret of the fact that Lori comes first in her life. Lori is now in her early 20s and is a senior in college. Even though she is taking only two classes a week, she doesn't have a job and is unmotivated to get one. My wife makes all kinds of excuses for her. Meanwhile, we pay all of her expenses, including her rent. I'm disabled and on a small fixed income, and my wife is self-employed. We struggle with our finances while Lori lives a carefree life. It is causing friction in our marriage. We tried counseling, but my wife refused to discuss anything related to Lori and quit going. Lori calls her mother every hour, and my wife encourages it. Lori has no other friends, and all of my wife's attentions are focused on her daughter. I get very little. Is this normal behavior? — Concerned for Our Future

5.      3/18/12. Dear Annie: When I married my wife last summer, her son was living in the basement with no intention of getting a job. "Terence" is 23 and not exactly bright. We tried offering advice to help him move forward with his life, but he likes things his way. My wife excuses this, saying it's his generation's lifestyle. She told me her co-worker's daughter moved back home with her husband and baby, and they accept it. I know there are a lot of parents in the same situation. Terence has decided he wants to move back to a town where he used to have friends, but my wife still wants to support him. So she is willing to continue paying for his car insurance, rent, spending money and trips to fast-food restaurants. He doesn't save a nickel. As soon as he gets money, he spends it. I get the impression that my wife doesn't want to cut the apron strings. Terence likes having his mother support him. Money isn't the issue. It's that we won't be around forever, and at this rate, I don't see him ever growing up. He'll be the same when he's 50. Counseling seems useless. I've been married with stepkids before. They didn't want me in their lives and acted as if they knew everything. Am I wrong to expect young adults to be independent? I love my wife, but she wants me to be quiet and not say anything. — Perplexed and Stifled

6.      3/19/2012.  Dear Abby: My brother has systematically taken over my parents' lives for the past 20 years. He uses his depression and agoraphobia as an excuse not to lead his own life. He lives on government disability payments, and the majority of his support comes from my parents, whom he lives with and mooches off of. He doesn't help them around the house or contribute in any way. He refuses to get treatment for his disorders. How can I help my parents finally be free of him? They are fast approaching 70 years old. Talking to my brother is useless, as he becomes extremely hostile and threatens to kill himself. My parents deserve some rest at their age. -- Anonymous in NYC.

7.      3/31/12.   Dear Abby: My cousin "Carla" just had a baby. She's in her early 20s, unemployed and living in a condo her parents bought her so she won't be homeless. Her deadbeat boyfriend lives with her. They smoke pot and love to party, although Carla has abstained since she got pregnant.  When I received an invitation to her baby shower, I declined. I don't think her having a baby is a good thing, and I didn't feel comfortable celebrating this "good" news. I have not offered my opinion on the subject, but when my sister asked me why and I told her, she called me selfish. Do you think she is right? -- Principled cousin

8.      4/6/12.  Dear Amy: I have been married to a wonderful man for the last four years. We are both in our 60s. Recently, his 23-year-old son moved back into the house we share. He has a part-time job and goes to school two days a week. His dad is putting him through school and spends money on groceries. My problem is that my husband is lenient with him and is letting him get away with things. I wrote down a few house rules that needed to be followed. Since he has moved in with us, he hasn't done things his dad has asked him to do. He comes up with a lot of excuses, but he spends time with his friends. On one occasion, he spent three days not leaving his bedroom because he didn't want to do what we asked. I have asked my husband to be firm dealing with him. My husband keeps ignoring my pleas, and the sad thing is that he wants me to get some help because I am bothered by his son's behavior. How can I encourage him to be firm with his son?! I don't want him to grow up to be irresponsible. -  Desperate

9.      4/23/12.  Dear Abby: My wife and I are 50-year-old professionals who have paid every penny of the cost for our two daughters' four-year college educations. Our oldest, "Lana," went on to law school and has incurred well in excess of $100,000 in law school loan debt. She has struggled to find a job as an attorney, and I'm no longer sure she still wants to practice law. Lana is married to a medical student who also has significant student loan debt. Two nights ago I made the mistake of telling Lana that her mother and I would help her pay off her student loans. I regret having opened my mouth. She and her husband spend their money on frivolous luxuries and are not responsible financially.  My wife and I live frugally. We withdrew money from our retirement accounts to help fund our daughters' college educations. We now need to increase our retirement contributions and pay for maintenance and repairs to our home that we delayed while paying for their tuition. Although we have always helped our children financially, we can no longer afford to trade our future financial security and our present standard of living to support them. I would appreciate some advice. This may be an issue affecting a lot of parents at this time. -- Spoke too soon

10.  4/24/12. Dear Annie: "At the End of Our Rope" described a common problem: having a young adult child who does drugs, still lives at home and doesn't work. A friend dealt with this well. When their son was 19, they refused to let him live at home unless he found a job or went back to school and took a drug test once a week. He refused and was ousted, although he was allowed to come home to eat, shower and do laundry. After a year of sleeping on friends' couches and in his car, he was arrested for DUI. It took several more months before he finally agreed to the drug testing and found a job. This young man now rides his bike to work, tests clean and is building his life again. — It Can Work

11.  5/10/12.  Dear Annie: My 25-year marriage is falling apart. My husband's 40-year-old daughter, "Sally," has been living with us for eight months. She occasionally buys a few groceries, but otherwise pays nothing. She does no work around the house. I've asked her to help clean the shared bathroom. She says she doesn't think she should have to do any cleaning because she doesn't mess anything up. She uses the bathtub more than we do and has all kinds of junk in there. She says her father also has stuff in there, so it's my job to clean it. I refuse.  Meanwhile, my husband says Sally is right. He agrees that she shouldn't have to do any work around the house because she has a full-time job. (We are retired.) She also never cleans up after herself in the kitchen and doesn't help with the dishes after eating the dinner I cook. This is causing major problems between my husband and me. He isn't interested in counseling. What can I do about Sally? — A Sad Marriage

12.  5/16/12.  Dear Carolyn: My 46-year-old, divorced son is working full time and lives within walking distance of me in his own apartment. To compare, his 50-year-old, divorced sister who works full-time also lives within walking distance in her own apartment. She is independent and lives responsibly. We all three get along quite well about most things, but my son has shown limited financial responsibility. He plays the slot machines at a local casino and spends extra money on social drinking and in pursuit of women. He spends the money to show off as if he actually had the money to spare.My sole income is Social Security, and I have to pay my normal monthly living expenses. My son, who earns twice what I do, has no money left over nearly every payday. He then goes without decent food and other necessities. Too many paydays he asks if I can buy him some food and has even borrowed money for his rent. I’ve always told him he needs to be responsible, but he just gets defensive and confrontational. How can I tell him that I cannot afford to bail him out anymore and that he has to start right now taking ownership of his finances? As his mother, I just can’t let my son go hungry — he’s still my “little boy.” - Exasperated Mom

13.  5/21/12. Dear Annie: My brother and sister and I had an amazing childhood. Our parents stressed the importance of hard work and education. The three of us got advanced degrees, and my sister and I entered the workforce after graduation. Our brother, "Dennis," however, seems content to live with my parents, working a seasonal minimum-wage job. He was unable to find employment when he graduated and has not bothered to look since. That was seven years ago. My parents do not charge him rent. They cook for him and take him on weekend excursions. They pay a portion of his student loan bills. Dennis doesn't seem to have any ambition to move forward. It has created a lot of resentment. The last time I saw Dennis, he made a snarky comment when I revealed that I was a month behind in my mortgage payment. I was amazed at his nerve, and it resulted in no contact between us for almost a year. Resentment is also building toward my parents for continuing to allow him to mooch off of them. They are now in their 60s and nearing retirement. They deserve better. And I admit that I'm a bit jealous that Dennis gets handed to him the same things my sister and I have to work so hard for. I will be bringing my fiance to visit my parents for the first time, and we will be staying with them. I'm already dreading it. My fiance says to bite my tongue, that it's my parents' decision. But every time I see them, I notice how they have aged. Any suggestions? — Frustrated in Ft. Worth

14.  June 21, 2012.  Dear Annie: I am engaged to a man who was divorced 20 years ago. He has three grown sons. The first two are doing well, but the third is still not financially responsible at the age of 30. His father has to pay off his automobile and credit cards. My fiance also helps out his siblings, who seem to be quite irresponsible and alcoholic. I come from a large family, and we each were told that at age 21, we were on our own. We all obtained professional degrees and now help our parents. At what age does a parent allow a child to grow up and become responsible? It appears to me that my future will be forever intertwined with relatives who are begging us for money. My fiance won't discuss this matter with me. What should I do? — Engaged but Having Second Thoughts

15.  6/22/12.  Dear Abby  My husband and I separated two years ago. For the past year, I have been dating one man exclusively. We have a wonderful relationship that has great potential. Never have there been two people with more in common. There is one problem. I have no children and he has three. Two are adults -- responsible, good people. The youngest, "Erik," is 18, and he's the problem. He dropped out of school, doesn't work, refuses to even try to find a job and doesn't have a driver's license. Erik has stolen money from me and also from his father to buy drugs and alcohol. Basically, the kid is good for nothing. He doesn't even have any friends left. My boyfriend realizes his son's problems, but has essentially given up on him. I can't blame him. It has reached the point where I can't even stand to be around the kid. It doesn't look like he'll ever get a life and move on. Please tell me what to do. -- At a loss in Nova Scotia

16.  6/24/12.  DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Lisa," is 50 and married to husband No. 5. I'll call him "Steve." He is 38. (Lisa's son is 31.) The problem isn't the age difference. It's the fact that her husband refuses to hold a steady job. Steve is often "between jobs" for six to eight months at a crack. Lisa had a job with the same company for 28 years and has a very nice income. My husband and I are sick of seeing Steve mooching off his mom. He drives around in a new truck, dresses well, has a nice place to live and anything else he wants -- all at my mother-in-law's expense. Abby, she retired recently, and Steve is spending her retirement money faster than it's coming in. What can we do to get rid of this bum? -- Bummed out in Georgia

17.  6/29/12. Dear Annie: I have been with "Jim" for eight years. We are in our 40s and have been through a lot together. When I moved in with him three years ago, two of his kids lived with their mother, and the older boy was in prison. I was supportive of Jim's visits to "Lloyd" and also wrote letters myself. Lloyd got out of prison 18 months ago and was paroled to our home. He is not supposed to frequent bars, but his drinking has increased, and he constantly violates the terms of his parole. Two months ago, he was arrested for public intoxication and spent the weekend in jail. He had to wear an ankle monitor for 30 days. Lloyd refuses to abide by our curfew. He wakes us up when he strolls in drunk at 3 a.m. Twice he left the refrigerator open and let the food spoil. He has kicked in our front door and broken numerous things, and now items have been disappearing. We've given Lloyd chance after chance. We pay all of his bills, including the one for his cellphone service. I've told Jim that Lloyd needs to respect our rules or find somewhere else to live. Jim keeps telling Lloyd to straighten up, but there are never any repercussions, so it never happens. I'm exhausted and can't take much more. I don't want to ruin my relationship with Jim. How do I proceed from here? — Lost in Love

18.  7/13/12. Dear Amy: Our adult son has a drug problem. Family and friends are aware of this because he has been in rehab and has had long periods of sobriety. He is a good person when he is not using drugs. But like all addicts, he will do what he needs to do to get drugs when he is using.  He has stolen from us, and we have responded by not allowing him into our home. We have not allowed him to live here for years, but when he is doing well, we allow him to visit and begin to trust him. Recently, he stole from us again. We are coping with it, but I am wondering what to say to family and close friends who inquire about him. I don't really want to tell truthful details, because I am embarrassed and I still have hope that someday he will be clean for good. I don't want people to remember this about him. What could one say to be truthful but not share details? Are we enabling? — Distressed Mother

19.  7/18/12.  Dear Annie: My husband's 35-year-old daughter, "Effie," has a college degree, but has never held a job. My husband sends Effie most of his Social Security check each month and also pays her credit card bills, which means he is now in debt to the tune of $10,000. When Effie visits, she makes a mess of the house and is disrespectful to me. She somehow manages to take several vacations a year. Now she wants my husband to foot the bill for an expensive wedding, and he's agreed. He also agreed to continue supporting her after she marries. Because the wedding is in our state, Effie wants to stay in our house for several weeks before the wedding. I don't think I can take it. My husband is entirely in her corner and believes his relationship with her is perfectly normal. He's been unwell, and I hate making things worse for him, but I can't hold in this anger and disappointment much longer. I keep asking myself whether I'd be better off without him, but I don't know the answer. — Torn in Tallahassee

20.  7/20/12.  Dear Amy: I have a friend who is 72 years old with three grown children. Two of her children constantly ask her for money to make mortgage payments, buy cars, furniture, pay for their vacations, pay for their children's birthday parties and even to send their children to expensive private schools. These two adult children do not have full-time jobs, are lazy, selfish and take advantage of their mother. I see the pain on my friend's face when she tells me about a phone call from one of them asking for more money. I would like to suggest that she say "no" to them, knowing that it would be for their own good to start being more independent and knowing that she is depleting the money that her late husband left her. I would like to suggest tough love. Should I? — Sad for my Friend

21.  8/6/12.  Dear Abby  I need some advice about my girlfriend "Vivian's" son. "Kirk" is 22 and very immature. I love Vivian with all my heart, and I get upset when Kirk verbally abuses her. I try not to say anything because I feel it's not my place because he's not my son. Kirk hasn't worked in two years. He walks into his mother's house and takes whatever he wants -- food, toothpaste, rolls of toilet paper, etc. He won't help her around the house, mow the lawn or wash a dirty dish he has used. And he lives rent-free in one of the duplexes his mother bought for additional income.  Vivian is a wonderful woman who is hard-working and self-supporting. She's also tired of her son's lack of motivation and how he takes her for granted. I know a mother doesn't want to see her child go hungry, but where do you draw the line? -- Fed up in TX

22.  8/18/12. Dear Annie: What do you do with a sibling who has been enabled all of his life when Mom is no longer around to provide for him?  My brother has had a house to live in, a car to drive, insurance, etc., for the past 25 years. He is an alcoholic and a drug user. He doesn't work because he doesn't want to. He has an all-expenses-paid life. When my mother dies, how do we settle the estate? If the house is given to my brother, he would lose it because he has no concept of paying bills. My sister thinks we should sell the place, give my brother his share and move on. My mother is 82 years old and in poor health. She will be leaving us a huge mess when she passes, but she refuses to discuss it now. — Help Me Plan

23.  9/7/12. Dear Annie: My older sister, "Susie," is 33 and has been receiving financial support from my parents for more than a decade. They give her money outright and also pay her car insurance, health insurance and other bills. Susie does not work. She's in a master's program, but it is unclear whether she will finish. My mother believes she needs to help Susie, as she has had mental illness issues throughout her adulthood. I am not upset that Susie is receiving money from my parents. It also doesn't bother me that I am not likely to receive similar assistance. But I worry that my parents are giving Susie no reason to finish her degree or pursue a job. I consider it enabling. On several occasions, Susie has maxed out her credit cards, and my mother paid those off. My parents do not have the money to continue doing this. Is it appropriate to speak with them about this? - What To Do?

24.  9/15/12.  Dear Annie: When can we stop giving our children money? When is enough enough? My daughter and her husband are in their mid-30s. They bought a house they could not afford. On top of that, they are in the middle of filing for bankruptcy, as they have been overspending for years. My daughter works two jobs that provide neither a consistent paycheck nor benefits. Her husband's job is more stable, but his salary is low. At one point, we gave her one of our used cars, which she was able to keep running for a couple of years. When that car died, I took money out of my retirement fund to buy her a used car. My son-in-law's mother just bought them a new oven. My question is: When does all this stop? I worked for 30 years and never once asked my mother for money. I'm tired of doing and doing for them. At what point can a parent stop taking on the problems of their children? — Resenting Parent

25.  9/18/12.  Dear Annie: I am engaged to an intelligent, beautiful, loving woman. We both work full time and see eye-to-eye on just about everything. However, we are becoming increasingly frustrated with her four kids when it comes to doing their laundry, putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, walking the dog, etc. If a trashcan is overflowing, they simply pile more on top of it instead of taking it outside. These kids are between 13 and 21. We want them to take responsibility for their actions and take pride in their home. We have tried making lists and assigning tasks, punishments and rewards, to no avail. During our most recent conversation with the kids, one said, "It's too difficult to remember." Another said, "You can't make us do it." Two of these kids are working. Any suggestions? — Frustrated in the Midwest

26.  9/28/12.  DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man, and I like my in-laws very much. They're nice, welcoming people and we get along well. There's just one problem: They are the biggest enablers I have ever met! With my husband it isn't a big deal because he's very self-sufficient. On the other hand, his 30-year-old brother has lived with them for three years. He is jobless and has a drinking problem. His parents don't encourage him to look for work. They give him an allowance, pay all his court costs and drive him around because he got a DUI. They even pay his cellphone bill. What is my place in all of this? Should I say anything? My fear is that when my husband's parents die, his brother will become our problem. -- Looking ahead in Colo.

27.  10/15/12. Dear Amy: My daughter seems upset with me because she perceives that I give my other daughter (her sister) too much help. She does not want to discuss it, so at this point her feelings and concerns are unknown. The first daughter is married, with a home and a full-time job with health benefits and a retirement plan. She has two children who are also married. They have jobs and are self-supporting. The second daughter is divorced, rents and is unemployed. She also has two children, but neither is married or employed. Her children use drugs and have leeched every available cent from their mother. Over the past few years I have helped the second daughter with apartment rental guarantees (she has always paid all the rent). I bought her several cars averaging $3,000 a piece. I helped her children (before drugs) with cars that the first daughter's children have not needed. I think the first daughter should be thankful she has a strong financial future and does not need help, rather than be enraged with sibling jealousy. When the conversation finally comes up, what could I say to the "prodigal daughter's" sister? — Upset Mother

28.  10/16/12. Dear Annie: Our son graduated from college more than two years ago. He has not looked for a job, nor does he have a resume. He claims that he can't put a resume together because he didn't participate in any school activities and has no job experience, although he has done quite a bit of volunteer work at his church. He spends much of his time playing video games. Currently, he plays all night. He goes to bed when other people are just waking up and then sleeps until late afternoon.  We have never pushed him hard. He helps some around the house, but my wife and I like to do things ourselves. Our son is intelligent and moral, does not drink or smoke, and is well liked. But I worry about his lack of ambition. He refuses to talk to a counselor to determine whether something is holding him back. I've told him that unless he shows some initiative, he eventually will be too old for anyone to want to hire him. He doesn't want any of the part-time jobs that are easily available, because he says he cannot learn anything from them. I've said he should at least show he is willing to work. Do you have any suggestions? — Frustrated Dad

29.  10/21/12.  Dear Carolyn: After graduating from art school in 2008, my daughter, now 26, worked an assortment of odd jobs before landing a job at an art gallery late last year. I’ve been giving her $2,500 a month to help cover her living expenses but I feel like she should be able to shoulder more of her own expenses, given what she earns. There always seems to be some unexpected expense that crops up, though, preventing me from cutting back my support. To make matters worse, she and a co-worker are fed up with the boss and now want to quit and open up their own art gallery. The co-worker apparently would be able to secure financial backing. My daughter would work as director. I want to retire, but my retirement income would not be enough to support both me and my daughter. Meanwhile, I feel that after a lifetime of support, including college costs and a new car, I’ve done enough. But if she fails, then she might have to move back in with me, which would be an intolerable situation. So I feel stuck. Any suggestions? — Sad Dad

30.  11/10/12.  Dear Amy: Many times you have advised engaged couples who are facing possible deal-breaking issues (usually involving other family members) that unless they are both prepared to put their marriage at the center of their lives, they should not tie the knot. How about married couples who are faced with issues later during their marriage?  I am 66 and 12 years into my second marriage. The past six years have revolved around my 25-year-old stepson’s heroin addiction, related felony convictions, sex-offender conviction, prison sentences and parole violations. My wife has centered our life on her son and in my opinion is his greatest enabler, with no signs of change in the future. I love this woman and want to spend the rest of my life with her. Before marrying, I agreed that she and her son were a package deal. That was when he was a child (his father had died). Who could have seen this coming? However, I am done with the daily drama. I feel he is long overdue to take responsibility for his choices and actions. I want to feel our marriage is at the center of our lives. I have not felt this in six years. I feel I’m being selfish in wanting my life back. We have been to numerous counselors only to end the sessions at the slightest hint that the marriage should be of prime importance. We’ve talked of divorce, and I guess that’s where we are heading. Do you have any wisdom? -- Sad Stepdad

31.  11/18/12. Dear Abby: My parents are in their 80s. I have two brothers. "Pete," the oldest, is in his 50s and lives with them. "Dave" lives next door. My parents support them both financially. Neither one works or even tries to find a job. Both of them are addicted to meth, and one is hooked on prescription pills as well. My parents know it but enable them by paying their bills. Pete and Dave steal and blame each other or any innocent family member who comes to visit. My parents are in total denial. There is major drug use going on every day, as well as potential violence. Pete and Dave threaten to shoot people all the time. Part of me understands it's none of my business, and I have no desire to be around such dysfunction. The other part of me is furious and wants to put a stop to them using my parents. If I offer suggestions to my parents -- such as cutting off Pete and Dave -- they get mad at me! I'm ready to sever all ties because there's no stopping this train wreck. I think my parents actually enjoy paying for my two 50-something brothers so they can stay high, never grow up and always be dependent. Any advice? -- No name in the Southwest

32.  11/25/12.  Dear Amy: We are retired and have a very small home. Our child, who is close to 50, went through a divorce and told us she was moving back home. She has been with us for almost six months. She does nothing except sit with her laptop all day, every day. She has no job or means of transportation. She refuses to take the bus, taxi or anything but our auto. She has doctors, dental and other medical appointments that we take her to. We are tired of being a chauffeur, cook, house cleaner, etc. When we try to talk to her about a job or plans to find her own living space, she starts shouting, shedding tears, bullying and arguing. What would be your suggestion to help us? We can get nowhere and could use some help. Help us get our home back! — Upset Parents

33.  12/2/12. Dear Amy: I have a sister I love dearly, except for one thing: She is a total pushover when it comes to her kids. Her oldest son is 38 years old, lives at home, has no job, runs all night and sleeps all day. He has three children by two women that he is not supporting in any way. Lately, he has brought a new girlfriend into the mix, her new baby (by another man) and her dog that pees all over the house. My sister has a daughter (32 years old) who also lives there with her daughter and her dog as well. And my sister has a dog. None of these ingrates contributes to the household expenses. We have the same conversation over and over again, and I just can’t do it anymore. She refuses to throw anybody out, especially now with the weather getting cold. I say make them responsible for themselves. I have tried all the avenues I can think of to help. I just hate how they take advantage of her, but I hate even more how she lets them. Any advice? -- Disappointed Sister

34.  12/28/12.  Dear Annie: I can relate to "S.W. in California," the father who had a falling out with his daughter and she cut off contact. In response, he took her out of his will.  My husband and I have traveled this road with our adult children. Some young adults are simply selfish and ungrateful. They expect their parents to tolerate everything they do (even drugs), allow their friends into the home (even drug pushers and felons), give them money at the drop of a hat (even when the parents are struggling financially), and allow them to use their home as a hotel or storage facility. If the parents don't cooperate, the kids punish them by being abusive or keeping the grandkids away. I am tired of being treated so poorly. I have loved unconditionally, and in return, I've received disrespect and a broken heart. My job is done. — Indiana Mom

35.  1/1/13.  Dear Amy: I have a 22-year-old stepson who is immature and irresponsible. He has been attending classes at a community college for four years and has yet to earn a degree! He spent some of his financial aid money last year to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. (His fiance's mother has now let him move into her home.) He needed $500 worth of repairs for his car, and instead of fixing it he went out and bought a $3,000 car with financial aid money. That car broke down in a week. He took out a student loan for $8,000 because he needed money to pay off his credit cards. After all this, he borrowed $600 from his grandma for school supplies and she called my husband saying she needed her $600 back, so my husband paid her back, but did not require his son to repay us! What should we do? My husband states we should do nothing because his son is grown and can make his own decisions. He says he has talked with his son and he won't listen, so he has to suffer the consequences of his decisions and actions. I think he needs some tough love and I have told my husband that the only times his son should be given money from us is for his birthday. — Shaking My Head