Final Destination: The Net Effect of Behavior

Continuing some of the themes of two of my previous blog posts, (Mad, Bad, Blind or Stupid from 7/27, and Is It Live or Is It Memorex: the Actor’s Paradox from 8/7 about the repetition compulsion, I would now like to discuss two other concepts. I refer to them as the Net Effect of Behavior and the Principle of Opposite Behaviors.


In the previous post, I brought up the question of why people would continue with the same disastrous behavior patterns over and over again with the exact same disastrous results if they are not mad, bad, blind or stupid. To answer this, we first must figure out exactly what the self-destructive or self-defeating behavior patterns are designed to accomplish. I previously used the example of narcissists who continues to make most other people think they are assholes. They seem to feel entitled and superior to everyone, but that may be a manifestation of just how good actors they are, because of the Actor’s Paradox.

To answer the question, one must look at the end result of their repetitive behavior. It is usually something that is absolutely obvious to everyone but them and the people who form intimate, romantic relationships with them. The spouses, lovers, etc are, I submit, co-conspirators, who continually make lame excuses for the seemingly nonsensical behavior of their partner. This idea is analogous to the AA concept of the co-dependent.

The fact that their excuses are so obviously lame – again to everyone outside of the couple – tells me that the co-conspirators are also engaged in the repetition compulsion, because I believe that they too are neither mad, bad, blind, or stupid.

The upshot, if you will, of seemingly irrational behavior is what I refer to as the behavior’s net effect. If the net effect of the narcissists' behavior is that most everyone thinks they are assholes, and if they are not mad, bad or stupid, then that must be what they are trying to accomplish. They must want, at some level, to be thought of that way.

Actually, in therapy we always find that they are in fact ambivalent about the net effect of their behavior. They seem to compulsively act in ways that produce the desired final result, but at the same time the results make them miserable, and they are well aware of that as well!

So why would anyone want to be thought of that way? Are such people masochistic? Actually, I do not really believe in masochism either, and would add masochism to the list of things that people are not, in addition to mad, bad, etc. Pain is meant to be a warning device that should in most circumstances lead to a decrease in the behavior that caused it. For pain to be pleasure in some people is not only Orwellian doublespeak, it makes no sense from the standpoint of evolution.

In order to answer the question of why compulsive repeaters act in seemingly masochistic ways, I would have to discuss the whole concept of kin selection, which I do in my books but will have to save until some later post to discuss in this blog.

First, a little more about the counterintuitive conclusions one must draw if one follows this line of thinking. In western cultures where other options are available, if a woman stays in an abusive relationship, or moves from one to another to another, at some level she is aiming to produce this result. OOH, how non politically correct of me! This does not mean, however, that it is all her fault that she is being abused, or that the abuser should get a "Get Out of Jail Free" card. It just means that it is also not true that she has nothing at all to do with her plight. Yes, of course the abuser may stalk and even kill her if she leaves, but he may also kill her if she stays. The longer she stays in the abusive relationship, the higher the risk.

I recommend listening to the lyrics of the Eminem/Rihanna song I Love the Way You Lie, a link to which is posted on my Facebook fan page.

A corollary to the Net Effect of Behavior is something I refer to as the Principle of Opposite Behaviors. One can accomplish the net effect of behavior using a wide variety of different strategies. There is always more than one way to skin the proverbial cat. Some of these strategies may on the surface appear to be completely opposite or contradictory. For instance, if you are trying to make sure that other people never give you what you need from them – the mark of counter-dependency – you can accomplish this by never asking anyone for anything. That way no one really knows what you need from them, so you never get it.

You can also accomplish the exact same net effect or end result by asking for way too much, way too often. If you are a bottomless pit who is constantly demanding the moon from others, they get angry with you. When they are angry like that, they will run from you, unless they are prone to being co-conspirators. That way, you never get what you need from these people. The exact opposite behavior produces the exact same net effect.

Well, what about the co-conspirators? Does the counter-dependent get what he or she needs from them? A third strategy to not get what you need from others is to ask for what you want from people who are unable to provide it for you: alcoholics, deadbeats, sociopaths etc. Oh, and narcissists! These people do not end up giving you what you need either; hence, once again you have accomplished what you have set out to do: not get what you need from others.

This dynamic may be what is behind a common type of couple seen by couples therapists, the narcissistic male married to the female with borderline personality disorder. But that too is a subject for another post. Watch this space.

Mad, Bad, Blind, or Stupid

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, a Viennese Jewish man by the name of Sigmund Freud noticed that some of his patients would engage in the same unproductive behavior over and over again with the same bad results each time.  He called this phenomenon the repetition compulsion, and it has been observed over and over again by psychotherapists from a lot of different theoretical perspectives.  Some of them may have called it something else, but they were all observing the same baffling phenomenon.  Readers may have heard of the oft-told tales of, say, a woman with abusive parents who runs away and marries an abusive man, leaves him and then marries another abusive man, and so on over and over again.  Or another who keeps ending up with alcoholics, but only tries to meet men in bars.  Not to pick on women of course; some men have trouble, say, keeping a job because they keep picking a fight with a succession of different bosses.

Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.  Are people who repeat the same self-defeating behavior over and over again insane?  I'm not talking about people who are psychotic here, so presumably they are somewhat sane.  Maybe they are just incredibly stupid?  If what they do hurts other people as well as themselves, maybe they are just evil.  Mad, bad, stupid.  Unfortunately most theoretical answers to the question of the reasons for the repetition compulsion presume that those who engage in it are one of these three things.  Interestingly, when the offspring of abusive parents talk about their parents' motives, they usually also attribute the parents' horrid behavior to one of these three factors.  Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Freud thought that people repeated self-defeating behavior patterns because of unconscious motives, and were somehow not aware that they were contributing to their own misery.  The feelings were too frightening to think about and so, he opined, the feelings and accompanying thoughts became unconscious. I always wondered how people could miss the fact that their behavior was repeatedly having the same negative results.  Oh, you might rationalize what happened away the first couple of times, but then?  I would think that these results would make the consequences of specific behavior patterns rather salient.  Maybe it does make you nervous to think about it, but on the other hand, if your behavior repeatedly leads to your being hit over the head with a two by four, I think you would just have to notice.

This issue came up in a recent debate I got into on another blog called the Last Psychiatrist over the behavior of people labeled with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).  Such people bully, dominate, and control other people, demand to be given special treatment by everyone regardless of anyone else's needs, and are constantly seeking admiration and approval.  Many posters to the blog thought these people were actually trying to get their way all the time, and were constantly striving to gain the admiration of other people.

Here is the DSM description of NPD:

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:


(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

(4) requires excessive admiration


(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.


Gee, if your starved for admiration, can you think of a worse way to obtain it than by exploiting people, being completely unempathic for the plight of others, and acting arrogant and unjustifiably self-important?  I can't.  The English language has a word for people that behave like that:  Assholes.

So, are NPD's too blind to notice all the people around them referring to them as assholes?  Too stupid to see how their behavior contributes to that designation?  Masochists who like to be thought of as assholes?  Wait, I thought they wanted admiration.  Well maybe that part shouldn't be part of their description.  Maybe they are just evil mofo's who want to bully people to get their way because they are selfish and sadistic.

Mad, bad, stupid.  A long time ago, but in this galaxy, and more recently than Freud, I began to wonder how I might be able to explain the repetition compulsion if I assumed that people are neither mad, bad, blind, nor stupid.  What a concept!  In the case of NPD, that could only lead to one conclusion.  For some reason, NPD's were making themselves look like assholes on purpose.  Eww.  Masochists, huh?  But how can someone really enjoy pain?  Pain is supposed to be a physiological danger signal that says, "Get your finger away from the hot stove!"  It is supposed to be unpleasant, almost by definition.  Emotional pain serves a similar function.  How on earth could people have evolved to be masochists?  That trait should have been killed off, as people who cannot feel pain frequently are killed precisely because they don't have a physiological alert symptom.

What a mystery, huh?  It is also very true that people who engage in self defeating behavior do not seem to understand that their behavior is getting them into trouble.  But can they really be that stupid?  Could it be that they are just pretending to be stupid?  But they are so convincing at it!  And why would anyone want to do that? 

Some of my earlier blog posts have hinted at what I believe the answers to these questions to be.  Stay tuned.  In later posts, I will discuss more about hidden altruism, something else I call the Actor's Paradox, and another something else I call the Net Effect of Behavior.  (Or you can read my first book, A Family Systems Approach to Individual Psychotherapy, in which I spell out the early versions of some of my ideas).