Lorna Smith Benjamin, a well-respected researcher on the
relationship between interpersonal psychology and personality disorders, has a
saying that “Every Psychopathology is a Gift of love.” In other words, she believes people develop
maladaptive traits because, as she explains on her website:
“…
problem patterns…are the result of one or more of three copy processes started
in relation to an important early caregiver…Those are (1) Be like him/her (identification); (2) act as if he/she is
still around and in charge (recapitulation);
( 3) treat yourself as he/she did (introjection).
Sometimes the copying is in negative image (e.g., be the opposite)…The purpose
of the copying is to seek reconciliation, approval, love of the internalized
representation of that original object (person). People unwittingly act
accordingly to the "rules" laid down by these early relationships and
even when they believe they hate the original copy person. Every psychopathology is a gift of love.”
If you're looking for a therapist, find one who knows this stuff |
[Some trivia for you: Dr.
Benjamin started out as a student of Timothy Leary, way back when he was a
respected academic interpersonal psychologist and before he went off the deep
end as a hippie guru telling everyone to “turn on, tune in, and drop out.” Don't hold it against her].
Ellllllesssssdeee |
That people may mistreat themselves
because of loyalty to their kin group and a sense of altruism in that context
seems to me to be due to a biological imperative (see my post on kin selection), albeit one that we can
consciously choose to ignore.
This idea is understandably
difficult for most people to wrap their heads around. Self destructiveness as a sort of
altruism? (I explained some patterns
associated with this phenomenon in my posts of 2/6/11 and 2/11/11). The idea that the biological forces of kin
selection may lead individuals to act in hateful and/or frustrating ways to other people for altruistic purposes within
the kin group (although certainly not altruistic to outsiders) is even harder
to swallow. But the idea that
individuals are willing to sacrifice their own
children as a gift of love to the family system is the most difficult of
all.
I think that the attraction
of the Biblical story of Abraham nearly obeying a command from God to kill his own
beloved son, not to mention the story of God being willing to sacrifice his
only Son for the good of humanity, stems from the pervasiveness of this
phenomenon within our species.
Certainly, the common willingness of parents to send their children off
to war illustrates how powerful this human tendency is.
The military in this country honors the
mothers of fallen soldiers as “Gold Star Mothers.” The government gives them a folded flag and a
dead son or daughter, and usually they somehow consider it quite an honor.
That parents somehow still
love their children even if they are acting out a hateful, nasty, and/or
abusive family role is something my patients often have a great deal of trouble
accepting, and understandably so. In
order to explain their parents strange hatefulness, which I also refer to in my
post of July 6, 2010 as distancing behavior, they have usually come to the
conclusion that their parents are heartless, evil, insane, or stupid.
If I were
in their shoes, I am absolutely certain I would have come to the exact same
conclusion. Still, as they tell their
stories to me in psychotherapy, I always hear of those rare times when their
parents were not hateful but actually loving.
Sometimes such parents even will unexpectedly express their love
directly, although often in a way which undermines their own credibility. However, because of the total context of the
relationship, these positive acts and statements are discounted. Again, discounting such contradictory double
messages is perfectly understandable.
Why would you believe the
professions of love of anyone who generally tends to treat you like sh*t? That would really be insane. Why should you believe them when there is so much
evidence to the contrary?
And who knows if they are
not doing those positive things for you on purpose to set you up once again for
disappointment? Letting you start to
hope that they could finally be the parents you always wished you had, only to
dash those hopes to pieces. Like waiting
for your estranged father to come and pick you up as he promised, when he has
broken such promises time and time again.
Still, what does one make
of a mother who, for the first time, admitted to her adult daughter that she
had severely verbally abused the daughter when she was very young, but then told
her not to bring it up again because she would deny ever having admitted it?
And therapists tell patients whose parents do
this crap that they have “trust issues” as if somehow that indicates that there
is something wrong with them. If such patients did not have trouble trusting people, then there would be something wrong with them.
I have been corresponding
with two women whose mothers are described as having many traits that are suggestive of the diagnosis of borderline personality
disorder. While they both really want to believe that beneath all the
horrible distancing behavior their mothers really did and do care about them,
they of course find that the idea induces a lot of cognitive dissonance. Again, I do not blame them one bit for
thinking that I am just a little bit crazy for thinking so.
In part II of this post, I will
describe some of the “maternal” behavior that one of them described to me, as
well as translating some of her mother’s behavior and verbalizations into what
I think is really being expressed covertly.
Having had a mother who was either a narcissist with borderline traits or a borderline with narcissistic traits, I am on tenterhooks for part II.
ReplyDeleteMe too!
DeleteWhere's part II?
ReplyDeletehttp://davidmallenmd.blogspot.com/2012/02/hatefulness-as-gift-of-love-part-ii.html
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