March 10, 2012.
"Dear Annie: "John" and I have been
married for 15 years. He is a wonderful person and a great father...Our relationship is fine on the surface, but it's emotionally
empty. There is little intimacy, which has been an issue throughout our
marriage. It manifests itself periodically in arguments that never seem to get
resolved… He wonders why I cannot "just be happy," because from his
perspective, everything is fine. I have told him clearly that I need more
attention and affection, but I have come to the realization that he is
"just not that into me.
… Annie, I love my family. I am not asking for a magical romance. I don't think it's too much for a woman to need occasional loving physical gestures from her husband. I can't figure out why it's so hard for him to express his love if he cares for me as much as he says.
I don't want to leave, but things could be so much better if John would only put a little more effort into our marriage. Any suggestions on how to improve things? Or am I just destined to have an emotionless relationship?"
The Annies answer: "There is a variety of reasons why a man may not show any interest in his wife: He could be gay, asexual, not attracted to you or having an affair. He could have low testosterone or other medical or emotional issues. The real problem is that he refuses to address it…"
Well those are all possibilities, but why would she have
married someone like that in the first place if she craved affection so much? It sounds from the letter like she just thinks
hubby might just an A-hole, does it not?
I mean, she seems to think that he is someone who is depriving his dear
wife of that which she craves, for no apparent reason.
But is that what is really happening? Could be, but I have another, more likely
explanation. The writer starts by saying that they have been married for
fifteen years. It doesn’t sound like
this is a new problem, so what that probably means is that she has been putting up with this treatment for fifteen years. And, after she mentions that, she praises the guy for being a “wonderful”
person. What, you may ask, is so wonderful
about a guy who is more than willing to almost totally neglect your needs just
because he can?
I find the husband’s response to be telling. He asks her why
she cannot "just be happy, because from his perspective, everything is
fine.” She also says that she has made
it clear that the lack of intimacy bothers her a great deal. So why would he think everything is just
fine? Why wouldn’t he already know the answer to the question of why she just “can’t be happy?”
Well, unless the guy has the IQ of a turnip,
the only reasonable explanation for his apparent obtuseness and confusion is
that he doesn’t believe her when she say
she wants more intimacy. Remember,
she has been putting up with this for fifteen years. In her letter she says he is wonderful and that she does not want to leave. If we are hearing this in a letter she writes
that may be up for public consumption, then the odds are extremely good that he has
heard her say this stuff. Many times.
The much less obvious explanation for this
state of affairs – and so often the less obvious interpretation turns out to be
the correct one for patients who I see in therapy - is that he takes her passive
acquiescence of the state of affairs as a signal that she actually prefers
it! So, when she complains about it, he
becomes confused and asks her why she is not happy, since he is doing exactly what
he thinks she wants. Maybe she really wants to avoid sex and affection, but also enjoys complaining!
He will never tell her about such thoughts because
he knows that the thoughts will probably be greeted with great defensiveness,
outright derision, or indignation from her that he is blaming her for his problem with
intimacy. That will get him exactly
nothing but grief, so why bother?
More important, he is helping her to not face her issue with sex and affection, because he is volunteering to pretend to be the bad guy by denying her.
More important, he is helping her to not face her issue with sex and affection, because he is volunteering to pretend to be the bad guy by denying her.
So could she really be covertly avoiding sex as much
as he is? And if so, why? Well, the answer to the first question is a
resounding, hell yes. This does not mean
that on some level she really does wish for more sex, but that for some reason
she is more comfortable with the current state of affairs than with the “improved”
version. The answer as to why might be a one of many possible issues between her and her own family of origin, but she does not give us
any clues in her letter about what those issues might be.
And what happened to his libido? Again, we don’t know. Maybe he has a whore/madonna conflict about
his wife being a sexual being. But it
could also be many other things.
The point is, they are both avoiding sex, not just him.
A different letter writer in the Dear Abby column of
3/15/12, says that she has been married for 32 years, and for all these years
her husband has lied continually. He fabricates the most outlandish stories, and the whole family knows it. Furthermore, he is said to never
own up to anything he has done wrong, but instead blames the letter writer for
his actions. If she confronts or challenges him, he gets defensive and says
she’s "always" belittling or challenging him in front of others.
Well, as a guy, when something becomes a demand then it becomes a complete turn off and I just tune out.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteAnd if the woman knows that you feel that way and does it anyway (when both of you know the consequences, and both of you know that the other person also knows the consequences), then she's arranging it so that she will be sexually frustrated - because the man thinks, based on the above reasoning, that that is exactly what she really wants in the first place.