This is the second in series of
posts showing how several of the issues I discuss in this blog show up in
letters to newspaper advice columnists. Advice columnists must bring us problems that
resonate with a fairly wide readership, and they therefore provide us with
another source of information about human behavior and cultural trends.
I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear
Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar &
Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).
I will highlight each theme
with a title preceding each letter to the columnist that I've reproduced, reflecting the blog subject that seems to be discussed. The title will also be a link to a related post. I am not including the
columnist’s responses to the letters.
Whenever
a family member has somewhat compulsively behaved in a certain manner for a very long time, and then
decides to change, the change often does not go over well with the rest of the
family. The others seem determined to
force the changer to go back to his or her old ways.
In
this post, I am emphasizing the above process rather than the particular role
described in these letters, which I have not previously discussed directly as a
separate entity. In the following three
letters, the writers all had served in various incarnations of the same role, and
complain about the reactions of the rest of their families when circumstances changed. The role might be
called the “family support person,” or in a more extreme form, the “family
servant” or even “the enabler.”
6/7/13. Dear
Carolyn: I’ve always been the
one in my family to give whenever possible. When I went to college, I took on
student loans so my sister wouldn’t have to. A few years later, when her car
died, I purchased a new one and gave her mine. When family needed help, I was
always there. Now I’m trying to
purchase a house, and no one seems the least bit interested in helping me. I
swallowed my pride and asked for financial assistance, even if it was a “loan,”
and was told tough toenails. Would
it be wrong for me to cut my family out of my life? I feel as if I was the
great son whenever I went out of my way to help, but now I’m just some
annoyance. - Always the Giver
6/18/13. Dear Amy: I've spent most of my life being a support system for
various friends and relatives through one crisis or another. I've always been
proud of the fact that I'm someone they can rely on when they need to.
Recently, I learned that I may have a debilitating disease for which there is
no cure. No firm diagnosis has been reached, but at this point it doesn't look
great. Since I received the last batch of test results, I have witnessed my
friends and relatives pull away from me, dismiss my symptoms and change the
subject if I bring it up. I understand that everyone has their own lives and
problems, but I desperately need some support right now. — Lost
June
24, 2013. Dear Annie: My husband and I both work 18-hour days at a
hospital. When we get home, we are exhausted. Since our schedules are
irregular, however, our siblings seem to think it means we are always available
for free babysitting. My husband's sister (a stay-at-home mom) is forever
dropping off her toddler, saying she needs to "de-stress." She never
calls ahead. We've tried locking the door, but she has a key. My brother has
dropped off his young sons multiple times without warning and with no
indication of when he'd be back. He stopped when I told him I was going to
start charging him $12.50 an hour.
The
last straw was when my oldest brother's wife arrived one weekend in a van with
seven little girls and stated that these kids were staying overnight with us
because she and her girlfriend were going to a spa. I was just getting off a
24-hour shift, and I told her politely that since she hadn't checked with me
beforehand, she'd have to make other arrangements because I was too exhausted
to care for her girls and those of her friend. She became angry and told my
nieces that I don't love them. Her girlfriend, whom I had never met, screamed
at me from the passenger window. After they left, I got nasty phone calls from
my brother and parents. The friend sent me an itemized bill and asked that I
reimburse her for the spa trip they missed. Instead of responding, my husband
and I sent our family members an email outlining that we love them and our
nieces and nephews, but we would no longer be available for babysitting unless
it was an emergency. We apologized for being rude or for causing them any
trouble. The email was much kinder and more polite than they deserved, but we
hoped it would allow us to start over. It was not received well. Currently, the
only person speaking to us is my father-in-law. We considered moving in order
to have boundaries, but I resent being forced out of a house I love. I miss my family. What can we do? — Not the
Nanny
Wherein one’s spouse
plays the villain to take the heat off a husband or wife who cannot stand up to
his or her own family.
8/19/12. Dear Annie: My
daughter-in-law tends to go to her family. She says she is uncomfortable with
my son's side. She has been rude to us since she married my son, and she
controls him. She threatens him if he does not do what she wants. My daughter
had a fight with my daughter-in-law four years ago, and I just woke up to the
fact that my daughter-in-law blames us for my daughter's actions. My husband
and I tried therapy with my son and daughter-in-law, but it made things worse.
I left, saying that I am not happy with either of them and I just want to see
my grandchildren. My son said that if I don't continue with therapy, I won't
see the kids again. They are using the children as weapons to control us. I
told her she didn't like us from Day One. She told me she doesn't trust me. My
new granddaughter had a baptism, and my daughter-in-law told us it was an
occasion only for her family. We were insulted and hurt. I'm thinking of going
to court and suing for grandparents' rights. — Trustworthy
Despite the
protestations of heritability study authors across the universe, parents do not
treat all of their children the same.
9/21/13. Dear Annie: I'd like to add my two cents about whether
parents treat their children the same. Mom, Sis and I live equidistant from one
another. Sis still lives near the place where we grew up. Mom moved to a warmer
climate. We call each other every weekend to catch up and stay in touch. Sis
and I fly to visit Mom about once a year. Mom visits Sis and her family a few
times a year. But despite the many invitations I have extended, she will not
visit me. When I had heart surgery five years ago, Mom did not come. When I was
hospitalized for pancreatitis, Mom did not come. Of the 25 stage plays I've
appeared in, Mom came to see exactly one. She will never see the home my wife
and I remodeled. It seems the things that are important to me don't matter much
to her. I suppose there is a certain amount of validity in her excuse that
there's nothing that interests her in my city, but when we visit our son and
his family, we don't care whether there is anything to do. We are simply glad
to be with them. Does Mom love me? Certainly. Does she love me as much as my
sister? Probably. Does she treat us the same? Judge for yourself. — That's My
Lot in Life
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