60 Minutes on Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: Reading Between the Lines

On Sunday, 5/13/18, the news magazine show Sixty Minutes aired a new story about grandparents raising grandchildren which focused entirely on the epidemic of opioid addiction as the primary cause of the middle generation taking such poor care of their kids that the grandparents had to “take over.” 

The show reported that there are now over one million grandparents raising grandchildren because of their own kids’ failings

This hearkens back to my very first post on my Psychology Today blog, back on June 22, 2011, in which I discussed the already skyrocketing incidence of grandparents raising their grandchildren because of their dysfunctional children’s abdication of the parental role (rather than in those cases of temporary needs like a military deployment). Note that this post was written well before the current brouhaha about the opioid epidemic.

I discussed the idea that the children were, in a sense, being “gifted” to the grandparents, who seemed to the children to have a pathological need to raise children despite continually complaining about it.

I wrote that the major apparent (pardon the pun) reasons were because the children:

1. Carry the psychiatric diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and neglect, abuse or otherwise endanger their children. 

2. Have antisocial traits and end up in jail (antisocial personality disorder is also a Cluster B personality disorder just like BPD). 

3. Are addicts or alcoholics. Many of those folks may also exhibit significant Cluster B personality traits at one time or another, although in addicts the traits may disappear if and when the addict cleans up.

As most of my readers will know, I believe that the parents’ intrapsychic conflicts over the role of raising children is by far the most important cause of cluster B symptoms and acting out by their children and adult children. 

Furthermore, the grandchildren in these cases are also being subjected to its manifestations and might later develop the same disorders themselves.

In a previous newsmagazine show from around the time of the earlier post, grandparents raising their grand kids were heard to say how much they loved taking care of the grand kids, but how chasing after them made them soooooo tired! And clearly if we heard that, so did the grand kids. So the grandparents end up doing to the grandchildren the same problematic things that they did to their own children.

Some of these grandparents were interviewed on the Sixty Minutes segment, and the reporter discussed how they were plowing through their retirement savings, having to downsize and not go on previously planned vacation trips, arguing more between themselves, and even worrying about how they would find the money to treat their own illnesses like, in one case, cancer.  Again, if we heard this, so do the grand kids. In fact, one child was asked what the grandparents were giving up in order to take care of them, and replied, “Grandma had to give up dating. She says it all the time.”

Two grandparents protested, “We can’t not do it [take care of the grand kids]; they’re our family!”

When it described what went on before the grand kids were “rescued” by their grandparents, the story did a good job of describing how older siblings would have to become so-called “parentified children” for their younger siblings, and how they felt they had to grow up too fast. I described what can happen in that situation in a previous post.

So was there any evidence that these grandparents may have engaged in problematic relationships with the absent parents that affected the middle generation’s irresponsible behavior with their own kids? Well, no direct evidence, but a couple of things were mentioned in passing that might suggest that this was the case.

In two of the described cases, the grandparents spoke of keeping track of what was going on with their kids and grand kids as the parents became homeless and crashed at various shady dives and crack houses along with their children. Rather than simply calling protective services to investigate, one set of parents bought their child a van and put a tracking device on it, while another set said they camped out across the street from one of said crash pads to make sure that their grandchildren were not being abused. Apparently all night long!

We don’t know for certain how long this sort of “tracking” was going on, but my guess is: a long, long time. As readers recall from my previous posts, the parents’ conflicts over their parental role in many (but not all) of these cases leads them to vacillate between severe over-involvement and severe under-involvement with their kids. One of these two poles often predominates much (but not all) of the time. This creates the double message to the children, “I need you-I hate you.” Constant tracking is one manifestation of the over-involved polarity.

So am I dismissing all of the so-called evidence that opioid addiction is a biogenetic disease over which these parents have no control, and that it has nothing at all to do with family dynamics? Well, yes. If you believe these people have absolutely no control over their drug use, you would also have to believe that:

1.     12 Step Programs like AA and NA could never work. Especially when the addict has "hit bottom" (that is, when the addiction is at its worst).   

2.  The way the drugs makes them feel is so all-encompassing that they lose all ability to reason and the ability to appreciate the harm they are doing to themselves and their own children, or lose the ability to care about that at all.     

3.  If you pointed a gun at them and told them that if they picked up the drug or drink in front of them you would shoot them the moment they did, assuming they believed you and were not overtly suicidal at the time, then they would have to go ahead and let themselves die.

Do you really believe those things?

Themes of This Blog Seen In Newspaper Advice Columns – Part I

Carolyn Hax

In this series of posts, I will show how several of the issues I discuss in the blog show up in letters to newspaper advice columnists. These columns have historically been written by women, but some men are entering the fray. The first ones were seen in Britain and the writers were referred to as agony aunts.

Of course, some of the published letters may me fakes, and the prejudices of the columnists determine which letters they publish and which of the many that they receive go unpublished. Nonetheless, as I have mentioned in previous posts, in order to have a wide readership, they must bring us problems that resonate with a fairly wide readership. This provides another source of information about human behavior for any mental health professional aware of the fact that the entire world of their patients does not consist of what they see or hear in their offices.

One other important point: there is always way more to the writers’ story than they possibly could tell in a short letter, even if they wanted to.

 I follow Jeanne Phillips (Dear Abby), Carolyn Hax, Amy Dickinson (Ask Amy), and Marcy Sugar & Kathy Mitchell (Annie’s Mailbox).

I will underscore each theme with a title reflecting the blog subject that seems to be discussed in the letters, which will also be a link to a related post. I’m not putting the columnist’s responses in the posts, as I will either give my own take or list any questions that the letter would raise, and lead me to ask, if I heard the story in a therapy or patient evaluation session – the “holes in the story,” as it were.

An abused daughter is angry at Dad but is still protective of him

Most formerly abused adults have covert protective feelings towards their abuser, no matter how bent on justice or revenge they seem to fancy themselves. This particular letter writer admits to these feelings here anonymously, but not to people who know her in her actual life.

2/21/13.  Dear Carolyn: My father was an awful dad. He was the first person to ever call me a “b----” (I was 9) and was absent when he wasn’t antagonistic. Bad, bad Dad. The thing is, I’ve always toed the party line, always said the very best things about him publicly. I lied with a smile for decades and continue to now that it’s pretty clear his days/hours are numbered. I’ve contacted extended family and old colleagues to let them know this great man is ready for the last bits of adulation they may offer. I represent him within our small community and receive and share the sadness of his demise. He’s still so hurtful to me in every way imaginable and yet here I am, being a sucker until the very end. How do I deal with all of the self-loathing for having essentially been complicit in his bad behavior? I can hear (the imagined?) tsk-tsking from your readers (and from you, Carolyn, because you lost a mom who was clearly amazing and devoted). I’ve decided not to speak about any of this as my last gift to him, but it’s costing me. I’m just so angry at myself. How do I deal with it? I genuinely wish him no ill will; I’m just torn up by the lack of justice here. Not only will he never be held accountable for being so unrelentingly selfish and cruel, but now I’m burdened with these feelings that I fear would only make me sound petulant and somehow ungrateful. Moreover, he honestly wouldn’t know what I’m talking about because he is so utterly convinced of his own blamelessness. Help. - Anonymous

Another aspect of families protecting abusive members (the protection racket) is seen in cases in which an entire family pressures the daughter of an abusive father, say, to let him babysit her kids. In a sense, the family is banding together to deny the earlier abuse ever took place, so they must pretend letting him do this is not dangerous. Therefore, they gang up on the protesting parent (I call ganging up in this manner clustering). 

A certain percentage of people in the situation of trying to keep their kids away from dangerous adults actually give in to the family pressure and expose their kids to the risk. And almost all of them have difficulty dealing with the pressure. Here are three examples:

2/22/13. Dear Carolyn: I grew up with a mother who was profoundly manipulative, volatile and mean-spirited. My siblings and I all have anxiety disorders for which we have sought counseling. I have distanced myself from my mother and have a happy life with my husband and 4-year-old daughter.  I have begun allowing my mother limited contact with my daughter out of my mother’s desire to have a relationship with her. I am comfortable with where the boundaries currently are, but my mother is not. She continually pushes to have my daughter for weekend visits (she lives several hours away). I do not believe she would overtly harm my daughter, but she can fly off the handle when upset and has very different ideas than I do about what is acceptable behavior from a ­4-year-old.  My family seems to think I am being unreasonable to hold my mother at such distance. My sister has no personal relationship with her but does allow her to babysit her children. Am I wrong not to allow weekend visits, or am I being realistic? - Anxious Mother

9/9/13.  DEAR ABBY: My 61-year-old father was arrested recently for 30 counts of possession of child pornography. He has had a rough past -- he cheated on my mother and has had multiple stints in rehab for alcohol abuse. During my teenage years he verbally abused me. My mother is in denial about the entire situation and the fact that he is facing time in prison for his actions.  Nine months ago, my husband and I were blessed with the birth of our beautiful baby girl. I feel I must protect her from my parents and my father in particular. Some of my family agree with my decision, others disagree because I am my parents' only child. Am I wrong for not wanting my father and possibly my mother any longer in my life? -- TOUGH LOVE IN FLORIDA

3/5/13. DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law, "Earl," is an alcoholic and an avid gun enthusiast. He owns many weapons; I don't know the exact number. He has been accumulating ammunition at an accelerated rate because he's afraid that large clips will soon be banned. He drinks to excess and becomes belligerent and angry when drunk. Last summer, during one of his moments of inebriation, he shot a gun into the air as a "surprise" to the eight family members who were sitting within two to 10 feet of him. He takes pride in the fact that his guns are kept loaded, as "what good is an unloaded gun?" On two separate occasions, I know for a fact that a loaded gun was found unsecured in his home. When my husband and I travel with our children, ages 7, 5 and 4, to visit his family, we stay in Earl's home. I feel the combination of alcohol and loaded, unsecured guns is not safe for my children. I have suggested to my husband that we stay in a hotel during our visits from now on. The problem is, my husband is unable to stand up to his father. He told me that when he tried talking to him about his concerns, Earl called him a "wimp." Please tell me how to get through to my husband. I don't want to alienate his family, and I do want my children to have a relationship with their grandfather. -- GUN-SHY IN SOUTH CAROLINA

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Clueless grandparents are at risk of causing problems for yet another generation

Annie's Mailbox 

2/27/13. Dear Annie: My daughter is a drug addict who is in and out of jail. Over the past 14 years, we have taken custody of her four children. Two of the kids are great. However, the other two are the problem. The oldest girl just turned 18 and moved out. This kid made our lives miserable. She saw counselors multiple times and began cutting herself, and we finally had to have her committed to a hospital. We did whatever we thought would work, but nothing did. She quit school and now lives with any friend who will take her in. Now, one of the other girls is 13 and doing the same thing. It's as if they lose their minds once they hit middle school. Her grades are down, she is getting into trouble at school, she cuts classes and has briefly run away twice. The other two kids are very involved with school and church and are as good as they can be. But, Annie, we don't want to handle the 13-year-old anymore. All of the counseling, the discipline, the problems, it's too much. My stomach is in knots trying to decide what to do. I am so tired of kids who think they know everything but are dumber than dirt, and all of the drama they command. My friends tell me to turn her over to foster care, but no one else is going to worry enough about her. My husband has had two heart surgeries in the past year, and my blood pressure is way too high, even though I take medication. Should I put her in foster care? — Helpless, Tired Granny

Some "More to the Story" questions: The letter writers say that they “tried everything” to discipline their daughter without success, and they seem to be having similar troubles with two of their grandchildren. What is entailed by their phrase “tried everything” – what specific things are those? Did they give up on a disciplinary strategy and go on to another one way too quickly? Did they try to micromanage everything in their daughter's life in order to save her from herself? Or did they perhaps bounce back and forth between over-involvement and neglect?

The writers’ ambivalence over taking care of children is palpable from the letter alone, which, if an accurate reflection of their feelings, puts them at risk of creating children with borderline personality disorder.  It is interesting that half the grandkids do not create any problems.  How do the writers, as well as the children’s mother, relate differently to each child? (I can almost guarantee that they do).  Does a given child remind them of themselves or another relative they had trouble with?  What do the mother and grandparents say to each other in the presence of the grandchildren?

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

In the last thirty years, a dramatic increase in the numbers of grandparents raising their grandchildren has taken place. Sometimes the parent in the middle also lives in the house, but often not. Between 1990 and 1997, the number of children living in grandparent-headed households increased by a whopping 66 per cent. (Bryson, K., & Casper, L. M. [1999]. Co-resident grandparents and grandchildren. Washington, DC: Current Population Reports, Special Studies, U.S. Department of Commerce, Economics and Statistics Administration, Bureau of the Census).  In 1997, 2.4 million of the nation's families were maintained by grandparents who had one or more of their grandchildren living with them.  This trend seems to be continuing to the present day.

The numbers were rising way before an even bigger spike in this number in 2008, which was widely attributed to economic factors stemming from the deep recession. 

When the situation is not due to external factors such as the sudden unemployment of the parents, military parents being deployed to Iraq, or the untimely death or serious illness of the child's parents, the persons in the middle  – the mother and father of the child – often fall into one of three categories:

       1.  Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) who neglect, abuse or otherwise endanger their children.
       2.  Individuals with antisocial traits who end up in jail (antisocial personality disorder is also a "Cluster B" personality disorder just like BPD).
       3.  Addicts or alcoholics. Many of them may also exhibit significant Cluster B personality traits at one time or another, although in addicts the traits may disappear if and when the addict cleans up.

Courtney Love lost custody of her daughter Frances Bean Cobain to the child's paternal grandmother

These types of parents may literally give their children drugs or alcohol, leave them unattended, or hang out with unsavory characters who are bad influences on the children.  Because the grandchildren appear to be in such danger, the grandparents feel that they simply must take over the rearing of the child, and of course there is a lot of truth to their viewpoint.

When the cluster B parents starts to open up in psychotherapy about what they think is going on, however, a completely different point of view emerges.  They believe that their parents want to take control of the grandchildren, and are just looking for an excuse to do so. They interpret their parents' frequent attacks on them for their bad parenting skills as a coded instruction to become or to continue to be bad parents - so that the grandparents can have the excuse they are looking for to take the kids away. 

The child's parents then abdicate their parental role in order to give the grandparents what they seem to want.  The parents are, in a sense, offering up their own children as gifts to their parents.  The more the grandparents criticize their behavior, the more they think the grandparents are looking for such an excuse, and the worse parents they become.  The worse parents they become, the more the grandparents feel obligated to take over the care of children.  And it's not just a vicious circle - although it is that - because both the parents and the grandparents are simultaneously giving each other double messages.  I refer to this problem as cross motive reading.

A few years ago there was a TV newsmagazine story about grandparents raising grandchildren that illustrated what other family members may be reacting to.  Several of the grandmas who were interviewed waxed eloquently about how their grandchild was the center of their universe and how raising their grandchild was such a joy and how it gave their lives new meaning.  At other times during the same interview, however, they complained bitterly about how, as elderly women, chasing after their grandkids made them soooo tired.  Not that both of these statements cannot be true simultaneously, but I suspect that both the parents of the grandkids and the grandchildren themselves would find the two sentiments somewhat contradictory.  If these women expressed them so readily to a TV news reporter, one can confidently wager that their children and grandchildren had heard them ad nauseum as well.


I strongly suspect that one of the main reasons behind the large increases in the number of grandparents raising grandchildren has been the increasing frequency of Cluster B family dynamics in American culture.