In an article in the Atlantic magazine, author and data scientist Seth Stephens-Davidowitz opines that in determining how parents affect their children in the long run, almost none of the decisions they make matter nearly as much as they think they do. He of course emphasizes their DNA and uses twin studies in discussing the nature-nurture debate, something I have covered extensively in my blogs.
He trots out the kind of story you often hear in these debates
of two twin who were raised separately from the age of four weeks. They
reunited at age 39 and found that they were each six feet tall and weighed 180
pounds; bit their nails and had tension headaches; owned a dog named Toy when
they were kids; went on family vacations at the same beach in Florida; had
worked part-time in law enforcement; and liked Miller Lite beer and Salem
cigarettes. There was one notable difference: Jim Lewis named his firstborn
James Alan, while Jim Springer named his James Allan.
These are some very superficial similarities. Many involve
things like their physical appearance, which is of course dictated by their
genes. Tastes in food, assuming that they do not involve a false self, are also somewhat
determined by genes. The author also seems
to assume this what these twins named their children was somehow coded in their DNA. I
wonder how many hundreds of other twin pairs like this gave their children completely different names. Or where one bit their nails and the other did not.
A study suggests that such things as teaching kids cognitively-demanding
games, such as chess, doesn’t make them smarter in the long term. A meta-analysis of
bilingualism found that it has only small effects
on a child’s cognitive performance.
The author does emphasize the importance of “the village” or
neighborhood in which a child grows up in determining things like schooling and
career opportunities, because they provide role models as well as money. Of course the village is divided into cliques with differing values, and to which people one chooses to associate may involve the influence of one's parents, but no matter. When
it comes to parenting, he tells us the data shows that moms and dads should put
more thought into the neighbors they surround their children with—and lighten
up about everything else.
It’s hard to argue with these ideas, and a lot of parents do indeed need to lighten up and let their kids learn about themselves and the world. The problem here is that the author is completely ignoring a most important issue: interpersonal relationships and the rules by which people operate in their social context. In particular social roles, both functional and dysfunctional, and one’s freedom to self actualize versus having to behave in ways that stabilize family functioning.
Children learn predictive models that
determine who they drawn to and how to respond to them in various situations.
Most of that becomes subconscious and automatic. Personality disorders and
family dysfunction come from those. And the author doesn’t even mention adverse
childhood experiences. My readers will know what I’m talking about here.
That’s a pretty big omission.
