It’s not what you
say, it’s what people hear
I
coach my psychotherapy patients about techniques for empathically confronting
close family-of-origin members about traumatizing repetitive, dysfunctional
interactions. The goal is to devise a strategy to put a stop to them. I use role playing as a
technique. It is useful in accomplishing two goals: learning more about how the targeted Other is likely to react, and trying out various strategies for my patients to use that are likely to be effective in keeping the task (metacommunication) on track.
I start with something called role reversal. The patient plays their significant other -
the target of the metacommunication - and I try out various approaches to see
what they are up against and to see what might work.
After I find something that seems promising, we
then trade places, and the patients play themselves (direct role play). The patient practices the strategies we devised earlier,
while I play the significant other. I
usually play the Other as a sort of worst case scenario, consistent with the
prior behavior and sensitivities of that person.
To get in character to play the targeted other, I can usually predict how they might behave from my patient’s description of
them during the process of therapy, as well as from how they have been portrayed in the
initial role reversal stage. Usually I
am more difficult in the role play than the Other eventually turns out to be (although
sometimes the Other does turn out to act as badly as I had), so that the
patient finds it easier than they thought it would be to succeed at our goals (or,
alternatively, is prepared for the worst).
Almost
invariably during the direct role play, when the patient first tries out the strategy we came up with, they immediately forget what I have shown them and revert to some of their usual
ways of trying to solve their family problem – you know, the ones that have not
worked because the Other becomes angry, abusive, defensive, or silent in
response. I then stop the role play and
try to educate the patient about how what they have just said will torpedo
metacommunication because of how it is likely
to be heard by the other.
Often,
the patient will at some point become somewhat exasperated and ask, “Do I have to be careful
of every single word I say???”
Well,
yes, unfortunately you do.
In
a book by Dr. Frank Luntz called Words
That Work, the author goes into a great deal of detail as to how words with
different connotations can lead to very different reactions from people. He discusses mostly advertising and political speech.
He repeatedly makes the point, “It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.” The world of advertising and political speech may seem to be a world away from the world of intimate family conversations, but the principles of effective opinion shaping are often the same.
He repeatedly makes the point, “It’s not what you say, it’s what people hear.” The world of advertising and political speech may seem to be a world away from the world of intimate family conversations, but the principles of effective opinion shaping are often the same.
Frank
Luntz is a frequently-employed master political consultant. He was the one who turned
the estate tax into the death tax and drilling for oil into exploring
for energy. No matter how you feel about the author’s political
beliefs, the book is a fascinating introduction to the power of using different
words and phrases to get people to come over to your point of view.
He learned his trade by using focus groups as a research tool, in a way that most “evidenced-based
psychology/psychiatry” advocates would label “unscientific.” But the proof is in the pudding.
For
example, take the issue of medical care for illegal immigrants. Luntz found
that potential voters responded quite differently to whether a politician spoke
about not giving them care versus denying
them care, even though both phrases mean essentially the same thing. While only 38% of
Americans would deny emergency care
to these immigrants, fully 55% would not
give it!
The
reason is that giving care conjures
up images in people’s minds of freeloaders sponging off of the rest of us, while denying care conjures up images of unfortunate souls being coldly turned
away like the character in Oliver Twist
who dares to ask for more soup.
Likewise, inheritance tax conjures up images of
Paris Hilton squandering away her famous family’s money on frivolous pursuits while
death tax…well, you get the picture.
Luntz
lists ten basic principles of word usage for maximum effect, some of which
apply very much to making talks to recalcitrant relatives about sensitive
topics more effective:
1. Use small words.
2. Be brief - the shorter what you
say is, the better.
3. Be credible. If you sound
defensive, repeat things you've said a million times already as if the person
never heard you before, or ignore important aspects of whatever problem you are
bringing up that the Other may feel to be important, you will not be believed.
4. Be consistent. Stick to
your point and do not go off on tangents.
5. Offer a new way of looking at
things.
6. Sound and texture matter.
7. Speak aspirationally. Say
things in a way that elevates the person listening to you, not in a way that
puts them down. People will forget what you say, but remember how you
made them feel.
8. Paint a vivid picture that
people can visualize.
9. Ask rhetorical questions
when possible rather than make statements. This allows the Other to
interact with both you and your message.
10. Provide a context and explain
the relevance of your point of view.
Verrrrrry
interesting. I recommend reading this fascinating book.
Thank you Dr. Allen. Love the Oliver Twist reference. I feel like I may agree with you, and very true. It's what people hear but in it's up to the person speaking to make sure they hear it right. Thanks again for the great post.
ReplyDeleteThis book is very fitting for those who are working in the counselling industry. Counselor's words matters a lot thus it needs to be credible all the times.
ReplyDeletechild psychologist Denver
Remind me to do this.
ReplyDelete