You initially bonded over a drink as you both
shared similar tales about upbringings that could have mirrored one another’s.
The abusive relationship with alcohol and drugs, the physical bruises that left
far deeper emotional ones, the lack of communication within the family… these
were things you both experienced and they bonded you together. You became
inseparable because no one else could possibly understand what you had gone
through. Until one day it all fell apart. The very glue that held you two
together in the first place became a repellant, something you want nothing more
than to leave behind forever, but their presence is a constant reminder…
This situation happens more often than you probably
realize. Two people with common conflicts in their backgrounds meet and fall
madly in love with one another, bonded by their mutual past troubles. This was
true for one of my acquaintance and his wife. They both shared rough
upbringings and came from broken families, and this shared past made them
inseparable… for a while.
This scenario is all too common for people coming
from broken pasts. The troubles they face bind them in a way that true love,
shared passions, and positive upbringings binds others, until one day the past
troubles become a rock in your shoe. It’s annoying, but not entirely
detrimental.
However that rock slowly morphs into a wedge
that creates more conflict, and before you know it a full-blown wall between
you and your professed lover. Such was true for my acquaintance. He and his
wife followed a tumultuous course; one that almost exceeded his own troubled
past, until they finally couldn’t stand to be around each other anymore. But
why does this happen? How does something so binding become something so
revolting?
One reason is that the constant reminder becomes
unbearable. While you were initially able to share and empathize with one
another over similar circumstances, when that becomes the defining point in
your relationship the reminder of your past can become the only thing you’re
able to see when you look at your partner. And that constant reminder can
become unbearable to the point that it ruins the relationship. For my
acquaintance, this meant turning to alcohol and drugs in an effort to blur
reality and forget. It meant turning into himself and all the dark demons that
had been following him.
Then there’s the point of needing to actually
deal with the source of the problems. Being able to talk about something and
share experiences with one another is not synonymous with actually confronting
demons in your past and dealing with them. Sure you can talk through some of
the basics of problems that are rooted in your past with someone who has been
through a similar upbringing; however the basics are just that – they’re a
superficial way of “dealing” with all of the negative emotions.
What you really
need is to talk to someone who is trained in helping individuals move past life
events that have had a negative impact. At that point one or both of you should
consider seeking professional help.
When you’re commiserating with someone over
conflicted experiences you likely are only able to add your own two cents about
a similar event. This rallying of negative emotions only adds fuel to the fire,
and instead of diminishing the negativity it helps it flourish. For my
acquaintance this meant that they went through harsh benders on drugs and
alcohol together, pooling their shared miseries and fighting as they regained
soberness. It was a never-ending cycle of bad happening upon worse, until they
finally came up for air and found the strength to separate from one another.
Neither is perfect now, but both are at least pursuing a future that doesn’t
include rebounding negativity off of one another.
Dating someone who has a similar conflicted
upbringing as you can be a breath of fresh air at first. However if left
untreated, it can become stale, or worse, drive the two of you farther into a
pit of despair, leaving your relationship stagnant instead of thriving.
Elizabeth’s Bio:
Liz just a simple
lady tries to convey some of what it is like to date online through dating
websites. For any further
information on online dating you can email her at: liznelson17 “@ “gmail.com.
I recommend Dr. Harville Hendrix's book "Getting the Love You Want." I think his theory about relationships could explain the phenomenon you describe.
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