Saturday, May 8, 2010

We Need more Order in Our Disorders

In keeping with current trends, I compiled a list of ten suggested new child mental disorder diagnoses for the Committees preparing the new diagnostic compendium in psychiatry, the DSM-V.

I had orginally included temper tantrum disorder, but someone else actually on a DSM-V committee beat me to it. (I thought that the peak incidence of that disorder was during the "terrible two's," but apparently I was incorrect).

Here's the rest of my list:

1. Chronic Incessant Questioning Disorder. This disorder is characterized by a verbal tic in which the sufferer keeps repeating the question, "Why?"

2. Seasonal Boredom Disorder. The peak incidence of this mental problem is during summer months.

3. Destination Impatience Disorder. A variant of ADHD only manifested on long car trips, this disorder is known informally as "Are We There Yet?" Disorder.

4. Adolescent Omniscience Disorder. This disorder is chartacterized by the automatic irrational cognition that parents do not know what they are talking about.

5. Legume Oppositional Defiant Disorder. A variant of ODD, this disorder is characterized by an adament refusal to eat vegetables.

6. Adolescent Teen Idol Copycat Disorder. A disorder characterized by an irresistable impulse to dress just like Lady Ga Ga.

7. Eye Rolling Disorder. This is an pathological, automatic response to parental lectures.

8. Compulsive Communication Disorder. This disorder is divided into four subtypes: predominantly cell-phone talking subtype, predominantly passing-messages-in-class subtype, predominantly computer-chatting subtype, and of course, predominantly text-messaging subtype.

9. Rambunctious Disorder. This disorder usually causes distress or impairment in total strangers, and is typically manifested on airplanes and in fancy restaurants.

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