In my second book for psychotherapists, Deciphering Motivation in Psychotherapy, I discussed how therapists can uncover the hidden motives for dysfunctional behavior patterns by looking critically at what patients say about them as well as by looking at how the patient behaves while saying it. Ambiguity is inherent in all languages; any sentence and most words can mean two or more different things. Sometimes they can mean seemingly opposite things. To get an idea of how this can mislead you, take a look at clues in crossword puzzles. In one New York Times Sunday crossword, the clue was “unlocked.” The answer was “bald.” With
patients discussing family issues, I usually found that the seemingly less obvious answer to the question of
what something means turns out to be the right one. Thinking about that possibility
then shaped my further questions.
I came across a good example where such might be the case in a recent column by advice columnist Dear Abby.
DEAR ABBY: As a young mother, I endured a difficult marriage
filled with domestic abuse. In the midst of that turmoil, I struggled to be the
parent my children needed. They are adults now, and I find myself distanced
from them. It pains me deeply to know they want nothing to do with me. I can't
help but feel I ruined their lives, and the weight of that thought is
unbearable. I miss them dearly and long for the chance to reconnect and heal
our relationship. I'm at a crossroads and unsure of how to move forward and
mend the bonds that have been strained. I deeply regret my past mistakes and
want to make things right, but I'm uncertain where to start. Thank you for your
guidance. -- LOST
DEAR LOST: … I wish you had mentioned why you think you
"ruined your children's lives." Were you physically or emotionally
abusive? Did you abandon them? If that's what happened, reach out. Apologize
and offer to join them in family counseling if they are willing. It might be a
healthy first step toward reconciliation.
Of course we have no way of knowing for certain the reasons
behind the cutoff between the writer and her adult children just from this
letter. Most people, if they had to guess, would guess that they are angry at
her for not protecting them from their abusive father. I’m sure those kids would be somewhat angry if
that were the case, but if I had to guess, I would say that it is not the main
reason for the cutoff. I would suspect
that instead there’s a little “pathological altruism” going on here.
Mom’s letter practically reeks with references to the mother’s guilt over her parenting failures (“I can't help but feel I ruined their lives, and the weight of that thought is unbearable”). Usually in cases like this, I would strongly suspect that the mother flagellates herself for her failings in front of them quite a bit whenever she sees them, just like she does in a letter that might be published. They may feel that Mom's misery is their fault. They may avoid seeing and communicating with her to avoid making her feel even worse than she already does. Staying away from her would then seemingly protect her from some of these “unbearable” guilt trip she puts herself through. They might think they are doing her a favor with what is called “A gift of love.”
Unfortunately, the children avoiding her like this does her
more harm than good. She’s already feeling a ton of guilt anyway, and now she’s
now cut off from her children to boot! And as much as the kids dislike Mom,s overwhelming
guilt, they really would like a better relationship with their mother. As a
therapists, I worked with patients on strategies for empathically addressing
such interactions and putting a stop to them.
