“A good life balances our own self-interests with other people’s needs…Healthy narcissism is where passion and compassion merge, offering a truly exhilarating life.” ~ Craig Malkin
Balance in life. Lately, that seems like an unknown concept in our black-and-white, all-or-none thinking times.
In his book, Rethinking Narcissism, Dr. Malkin
distinguishes healthy versus unhealthy narcissism, the latter being
characterized by the (dictionary) definition of excessive interests
in one’s own importance and abilities. (In fact, as a described in a previous post,
its base [in Narcissistic Personality Disorder] is often a subconscious sense
of inferiority combined with a sense of not being appreciated
by others).
On the other hand, caring for others at one’s
own expense also has healthy and unhealthy versions. I’ve also written about,
using Barbara Oakley’s term, pathological altruism - in which one’s sacrifices not only lead to misery or
deprivation for the giver but also backfire and lead to harms for its objects.
Although it’s a bit of an oversimplification, I also illustrated it with something I called the Mother Teresa Paradox: if she’s right and giving to others is life’s greatest reward, then by not allowing others to give anything to her, she is in effect depriving everyone else of what she herself defines as the best life has to offer.
A common example in our culture is: the
whore/Madonna complex, in which even married folks feel they are evil if they
enjoy sex too much with one another. Especially women. Men at times and in certain social circles have been allowed to
enjoy it with non-spouses, who are nonetheless derided as whores, because of a need
by their group for them to have sins to atone for on Sundays.
I believe, and my Unified Therapy psychotherapy
paradigm is based on this, is that this sort of craziness is a result of the
evolution of individuality out of collectivism over the last three centuries,
as described in the marvelous book Escape from Freedom by Eric
Fromm. Sometimes it’s best (and was especially in the past) for the survival of
our species if under many circumstances we sacrifice ourselves for the tribe.
But that has become increasing less necessary and even counterproductive
as science and technology have taken center stage. Nonetheless, we are still
primed by our genes to do it (due to kin selection), but it is
becoming more and more counterproductive.
Our own family interactions sometimes don’t keep
up with changing environmental contingencies, leading to something called cultural lag, which leaves families confused and conflicted over which
standards to follow in this regard.
This in turn can lead parents to give destructive mixed
messages to their children. We do have the power to use our critical thinking skills to get everything back into a healthy balance, but are often severely
invalidated by our own families whenever we try, leading to a horrible sense of
not knowing who we are or what we are supposed to do any more (called anomie or groundlessness).
In situations in which a whole family is conflicted over some issue, this is often
indicated when people behave compulsively in one extreme way or in the opposite extreme
way, or bounce back and forth between the two
extremes.
Problems like these have to be discussed if they
are to be solved, but people are often too ashamed or defensive to do so. The
countermeasure is empathy, which comes from doing research into one’s family
background in order to understand why our parents are driving us crazy. How to
employ this is described in both my psychotherapy paradigm for
self-destructive behavior (which by definition cannot be selfish unless an
individual is nearly brainless) and in my self-help book for somewhat more functional families.
It was really impressive when my patients had an
“a-ha” moment that led to the reaction of “So THAT’S why they act that way!" It
was very liberating for them, although that freedom can still easily be undone
by aggressively invalidating family attachment figures. I teach strategies for
getting the parents to stop doing that.
If you are in a cycle of self-destructive
behavior, such as, say continually going back to an abusive marriage because
your parents seem to be blaming you for it (and if you have been going back, it is not “blaming
the victim” to say that you bear some responsibility for your own plight), my
message to you is to learn about this stuff and how it has affected you personally and
your family, and to take charge.
