Guest Post: My Experiences with Family Dysfunction and Therapists - Anonymous

Editor’s note: This guest post came in response to my request for stories from those on my Facebook  fan page who had a bad experience with therapists who seemed to think that all of their problems were in their heads (for example, poor distress tolerance, irrational thoughts, or anger issues) and had little to do with other people who were stressing them out or pissing them off.

When I was 6 or 7, a neighbor (age 17 or 18), took me into his house "to play a game." He blindfolded me, made me kneel, and took his penis out for me to suck. The blindfold wasn't properly attached so I was able to figure out what he was doing. Afterwards - and after the mandatory "don't tell anyone" - I told my grandma, who then informed my parents.

Now, my mom certainly has her own issues. She hates being touched, always tends to think only about herself, is obsessed with TV shows, tends to be depressed and spends most of her free time in her room, and has a very high fear of going to the doctor - even though she is one! My Dad was certainly narcissistic (as you'll see it in a minute), so they both decided it was best to sweep it under the rug.

Years later, when I was 12, I had my dad's brother pull me close while dancing in order to rub his large stomach against my budding breasts.  Thinking back, I later realized that my Dad never ever let me stay with my cousins. My mom then confirmed that his brother is a pedophile. His poor, poor stepdaughter from my aunt's previous relationship! My dad must've known this, yet when I was raped, his answer was...to become my rapist's godfather!!!

My dad - and mom - made me go to my rapist's Confirmation (a Catholic ritual for teens) a year after my rape. We remained neighbors, and my Dad had weekly breakfasts with that family. No, I am not kidding. When I was 8 or 9, my mom bought a house two doors down from my grandparents...but only she and my dad moved out. I was told to stay with my grandparents "because I would be more comfortable there, and we need money to build a second floor." They never did.

My Dad was never steadily employed. I caught him kissing the maid when I was almost 13. So my mom, who at that time was working in a different region, came back home and told him to get out. He then blamed me for the "breakup of our family." I was also sexually harassed several times as a teen, but I never told my mom or grandma because my grandma told me I was "dirty" because I was still talking and playing with that neighbor. Why would I stop? NO ONE bothered to explain that what had happened to me was sexual abuse.

My uncle on my mom’s side slapped me when I was 13 for defending his teen housekeeper, and my aunt and mom (after I had come back home) wept but said nothing. Again, no one talked to me about what had happened. My dad got cancer when I was 17 and I asked him to come home. His siblings were robbing him and not taking care of him. He initially rejected our offer. Only when he knew for certain that his siblings were taking important property deeds (he owned a house in the mountains. I am Peruvian), did he finally agreed to come back to be looked after by us. He was bitter and scared, but was still a bad parent. I had barely seen him during the 5 years that he was not living with me - his choice, of course. I again saw him flirting with the maid during his remission. He died when I was 22.

Although I've barely ever been beaten, and no one in the family did drugs or alcohol, I nonetheless had a highly traumatic childhood. I'm a Psychology student. I am a 4-time college dropout from 3 universities. I am married now and living in Europe. I have been subjected to verbal abuse at home, but he's getting treatment. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, but I’m wondering if it's the right diagnosis. I do acknowledge that a trial of Concerta did show me I can do more, although I stopped after 14 days because the side effects on my mood were too much for me.

With all of this, I have also been subjected to racism and homophobia in society. I'm not a lesbian, but I "look like one,” apparently because of my very short hair and baggy pants. Once,  when I had messy hair and not-fancy clothes, I had to leave a store because of a screaming security guard who was asking me what the hell was I doing at that store (I lived in a "well-to-do" neighborhood). Where I am, racism is expressed with frowning faces and rude attitudes from clerks. But when they see me with my White husband, I am "graciously welcomed" anywhere. I guess those two (racism and sexism) can never be escaped, but I am DAMNED sure happy I am far away from my family's dysfunction now.

At 22 I started psychoanalysis, and my therapist wanted me to focus on forgiving my parents.

Later, I did CBT, and that psychologist wanted me to focus on my goals, when all I could think of was how damaging the sexual abuse had been, and how troubled I felt about being neighbors with the rapist.

I don't know what kind of treatment I received from a third therapist I took on, but he said I should focus on why I went into the neighbor's house in the first place. That was said to mean that I was starving for male attention, and I was told I should work on that.

There was that psychiatrist too, when I was 26, who I told about my anxiety and possible ADHD, He said I should just take it easy, that no one is supposed to demand too much of themselves and that is okay not to accomplish everything I want. He added that it's all about "finding contentment." I felt that that one was sexist AND racist.

My parents and I went to ONE session of family therapy when I was 16, but as soon as the therapist pointed out to my parents their troublesome, inattentive behavior towards me, we stopped going.

So from my experience, what I learned is that even people with the best intentions (or at least who are supposed to have them) will try to redirect you to what they think it's best for you, instead of actually listening to you. Validate your own feelings, and after that, inform yourself  both about what psychology says about your own experiences AND about how to pick a good therapist. Work from there. Too many uninformed people will spout their opinions, whether they are family or professionals.

Book Review: The Kevin Show by Mary Pilon

In this impressively well written book – I may have to steal a few of her cool phrases, like when she discusses situations in which people walking on eggshells start to feel more like they are walking on landmines – Mary Pilon tells the story of Kevin Hall and his family. Kevin Hall was a championship sailor who on one occasion made the Olympic Team, although he did not win a medal. At the same time, he struggled with Bipolar Disorder. The real illness, not what passes for bipolar disorder these days.

The author’s discussions of what went on inside of Hall’s head during a manic episode are some of the best I’ve ever seen. After reading them, readers will know that this has absolutely nothing in common with normal human thinking. After coming down off of a manic high, a sufferer knows that. Although they may question themselves about the “reality” of what they had experienced during an episode, it still seems to them to be bizarre and alien.

The book also does a great job of describing the traumatic effects on parents, spouses, and siblings in having to deal with a family member with a major mental illness – especially one who is not always cooperative with treatment but doesn’t let them know when he goes off his meds.

Hall’s delusion when manic was that he was some part of a larger “Show,” run by some all-knowing “Director”  - sort of like the movie “Truman Show,’ which indeed is mentioned several times in the book -  in which he is meant to save the world by interpreting various “signs” in the environment. The signs could be things he happened to see in the environment, unusual coincidences like his having been a college classmate of one of the doctors who treated him, song lyrics, or passages in various books he liked to read.

Unfortunately the author, who seems only to have a limited  familiarity with mental illness and, in particular, the treatment of manic-depressive illness, falls a bit into the trap of starting to wonder if it may just be some variation of normal. After all, with the rise of Instagram, selfies, and social media, everyone is seemingly thinking of themselves as in some sort of show and as having an almost national presence in the minds of others.

Mary Pilon

Not only that, but the author adds that certain delusions are more common in certain cultures than others, and some only seem to exist in a single culture.

In fact, the difference between psychotic delusions and false beliefs that are due to groupthink, everyday human foibles, wishful thinking, and just plain kidding oneself is colossal and not in the least bit subtle. Of note is that the author spends almost no time describing Hall’s thinking during periods of bipolar depression. She only mentions one episode in which he maintained that he was depressed but not delusional - but we do not know if he ever experienced a psychotic depression.

Either way, when depressed, it is mentioned almost in passing, he believed the exact opposite of what he felt while manic – that he was a born loser, loony-bin screw-up who was worth absolutely nothing despite his fairly spectacular accomplishments in love and work while euthymic (neither manic or depressed – in other words, normal).

Hall kept going off his medication because he felt that it was drugging the real him, which is why he kept having recurrences. While I obviously can’t say for certain anything about his reasons for stopping his treatment, the frequent reason bipolar patients discontinue their meds is that mania feels so good in so many ways that normal feels like down to many sufferers, and they want the high back.

Another possibility is that he was taken off lithium -  which generally does not make people taking it feel drugged – not because it was ineffective but because the doctors thought it was ineffective when in actuality he had stopped taking it or his blood level was too low. Good doctors monitor lithium blood levels.

He was apparently put on the antipsychotic Haldol at one point, which definitely does make people feel drugged. Antipsychotics, while they do prevent mania, should only be give in acute mania (because it takes time for lithium or depakote to kick in) – and then discontinued after the other drugs start working. Or used indefinitely only if all other options fail or are not tolerated. The author does not really tell us any details about Hall's treatment.

And what about the cultural aspects of delusions? Well of course delusions concern things that people with the disorder are familiar with. You can’t think the CIA is following you around with ray guns if you have never heard of the CIA or ray guns. And just like with Alzheimer’s disease, in which underlying personality traits affect the expression of impaired memory issues and cognitive confusion, they affect the content of delusions as well. 

Pointing out the cultural differences as a possible reason that bipolar is not a real brain disease is a bit like doing the same by pointing out that the delusions of Japanese people are expressed and thought about in the Japanese language, while the delusions of Spanish people are expressed and thought about in Spanish.