Self Actualization is a somewhat vague term
that is used in slightly different ways by psychologists. Originally used by
Kurt Goldstein, it is loosely defined as “the realization or
fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities.” He thought we all had a
drive to achieve this throughout history, and that it was of singular importance,
but that is not quite correct.
The term was then picked up by Abraham Maslow
and incorporated into his hierarchy of needs, and later used by the
“humanistic” schools of psychotherapy (now referred to as emotion-focused
therapies) championed by Fritz Perls (gestalt therapy) and Carl
Rogers (client-centered therapy).
The way that I define it is, I hope, more clear cut: It is the
process by which you learn to live your life as you see fit, and not
merely blindly follow your herd and going along with all of their mandates,
desires for you, and beliefs irregardless of whether you, deep down, believe
them or endorse them.
Another way of looking at this is that it is our ability to focus on our individualistic strivings
as opposed to collectivist needs. Of course, we all need other
people to one extent or another, and we cannot always follow our own “druthers”
and allow our family members and tribespeople to sort of go to hell. We all
have roles and functions to maintain within our groups or we’d never survive.
In fact, we are all literally biologically programmed to learn “who we are”
from our primary attachment figures.
We all come into the world completely helpless and with
absolutely no knowledge of how the world even works, so our survival literally
depends on our parents or parent-substitutes. Their survival, in turn, is
dependent on other people within their tribe or kin group, who do those things
of which they are incapable as well as protect them from potentially dangerous
outsiders. This is why our brains develop through our interactions with them. A
so-called call-and-response process with the brains of young children as this
interaction progresses leads to the formation of vast numbers of new
connections between brain cells.
In his classic book from the 1940’s, Escape From
Freedom, Erich Fromm pointed out that our degree of inter-dependence
has slowly decreased over history as culture and technology evolved. In the
middle ages, as an example, you were not Joe Blow who happened to be a knight,
a serf, or an artisan. Being those things was all you were, in
total. There were no “individuals” to speak of!
With the industrial revolution and the Renaissance, people
suddenly had time to think about other things beside basic survival needs. For
the first time, they could think about their own likes and dislikes. They could
think about their place in society and whether or not it really made sense. The
whole culture was evolving, allowing this development.
So how could their brains do this when they were literally
designed to go along with the group and think exactly what everyone else seemed
to think (groupthink)? Well, that’s the nice part of having brains that
are malleable. So exactly what process bridges the brain development described
earlier with these new cultural developments?
One of the mechanisms by which the call-and-response process of
brain formation works is called mirroring or, in a slightly
different sense, validation. When we emit various behaviors
spontaneously, some of them are reflected back to us, or
positively reinforced, by our parents. Seeing ourselves in the eyes of our
parents makes our behavior and feelings seem real to us, while if our behavior
or thoughts are not mirrored, they feel unreal. The latter induces in us a
highly noxious feeling called groundlessness.
In most families, some individualistic, non-conformist thoughts
and behavior are mirrored. In others, being “selfish” in this way is attacked.
Dysfunctional families are full of ambivalence and conflict over individualist
strivings. They give off double messages, leading to confusion. Often the
individualist strivings of the children are not only discouraged or disagreed
with but completely invalidated as something completely insane. Even the
child’s own emotions.
When this happens, the children become trapped in
behavior meant to stabilize their unstable parents – the dysfunctional family roles described in this blog. Unfortunately, the wider culture at large still has
some power to mirror more individualistic behavior in them, and the conflict over rules
and roles within the parents is transferred to the children.
The way out so that self actualization becomes possible is to be able is for parents and adult children to
discuss this whole process constructively – a process fraught with potentially
horrific dangers and difficulties. I describe that process and how to do it
successfully, in my new book, Coping with Controlling, Demanding, and Dysfunctional
Parents.
