tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post81909982280309098..comments2024-03-28T09:59:51.779-05:00Comments on Family Dysfunction and Mental Health Blog: Adult Children Who Cut Off Their Parents: an Interesting Variation on This Theme.David M. Allen M.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-30599465900739891312020-02-16T11:21:07.264-06:002020-02-16T11:21:07.264-06:00I cannot disagree more with the implication that c...I cannot disagree more with the implication that children cut off their parents because the parents did something wrong, or because of unhealthy dynamics. I find this way of thinking justifies and normalises the act of cutting off parents and even entire families. What it does not take into account is that there is no 'perfect' family, and every (dare I say 'every'?) family has unhelpful or unhealthy dynamics of some kind. That doesn't make it normal for children to cut parents and family off. If it was simply down to cutting people off because of family dynamics or parents doing something wrong, every family should have a child or few cut them off, including yours, if you have children.<br /><br />This whole idea does not take into account controlling outside influences, vulnerabilities, people who will lie to children and people very cleverly, insecurities, gangs, influential groups, even child trafficking, or other situations and people who could have a profound and negative influence on a child cutting off their family. It is actually very scary what can be done to a child's thinking. Blaming so much on parents and family dynamics is very narrow. While there may be times that is the case, there are plenty where it is not. Putting blame on parents that is unjustified is incredibly damaging to parents who may already be traumatised by the 'loss' of a child. It is time this thinking changed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-80368774134535009272018-05-08T14:32:27.257-05:002018-05-08T14:32:27.257-05:00Hi Ramona,
Thanks for your description of your ex...Hi Ramona,<br /><br />Thanks for your description of your experience illustrating the points I was making with such detail.<br /><br />I unfortunately can't answer your question about your mother in particular without evaluating you in person and in great detail, as every family is different.<br /><br />The answer to the question in general can be found in my post http://davidmallenmd.blogspot.com/2011/09/tag-youre-it.html.<br /><br />Sorry I can't be of more help.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-56845884234541793892018-05-07T14:42:08.470-05:002018-05-07T14:42:08.470-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ramonahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16581309543335606881noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-57947933221906842672016-10-11T13:44:54.865-05:002016-10-11T13:44:54.865-05:00Hi polyglot,
It's not my job to say what is o...Hi polyglot,<br /><br />It's not my job to say what is or isn't a moral obligation, but helping out a relative in trouble is very different from enabling relatives who repeatedly get themselves in trouble, or giving money to grown children who just use their parents as a piggy bank. The later two have very negative consequences for all concerned.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-7171804920344461092016-10-10T12:50:22.260-05:002016-10-10T12:50:22.260-05:00Hi, David,
Do you think parents are morally oblig...Hi, David,<br /><br />Do you think parents are morally obliged to bail out their grown children especially if and when money is all they want from their parents? polyglothttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17515373727367399118noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-43932264614083996542016-08-23T09:51:28.476-05:002016-08-23T09:51:28.476-05:00Hi Ms. Henry,
The point is not to point fingers o...Hi Ms. Henry,<br /><br />The point is not to point fingers or to assign blame, but to understand and change dysfunctional patterns.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I need to take a lot of time uncovering and evaluating the specifics of a family situation (and in person) to give any specific psychiatric advice, since each family is different and complex. <br /><br />Your statement "I did not have any more to give him" might possibly be a good starting point to gather more information that would explain what is going on.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-65597498581170597722016-08-23T05:06:57.497-05:002016-08-23T05:06:57.497-05:00I disagree, it is not always the parent who is at ...I disagree, it is not always the parent who is at fault. Some of us make huge mistakes, we can take hearing it and will apologize. But, still are left behind.<br />Our son is 33 years old and we have not seen him in 2 years. The last time I talked to him, all he wanted to do was tell me how everyone else is doing him wrong and how broke he is. He has not seen his 4 children in 2 years even tho he lived in the same town as 2 of them. He has a young girlfriend and she does not want to be a mother. I have constantly asked him "why". Why he has not called or made the effort to see his children. All they want is to know that their daddy loves them. It is heartbreaking. Hus youngest child is 6 and his oldest is 14. His family is trying to step in and make sure all his kids have everything they need and make sure that we all spend time with them. <br />He cut me off the last time he asked me for money and I told him that I did not have anymore to give to him. Now, you tell me what we have done to deserve the treatment that he is giving his children and family. <br />I miss him so much, but i no longer know what to do. So, you are the expert, tell me what to do.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14809893018066217193noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-33686819301229423532016-08-14T17:08:25.762-05:002016-08-14T17:08:25.762-05:00The view of burdened parents may be openly present...The view of burdened parents may be openly presented - or parents who have a need to have their sense of self-importance fed and stroked by their child. Both parent species may constantly harangue their child with laundry lists of the benefits they believe they've given the child, or berate them for ingratitude. "You owe us" can get old really quick. Ditto for the parent who expects their child to excel in everything because the parent believes, or even has, done all that's possible to set their child up for success only to have the child fail to perform to expectations or fail entirely. Some of this parent type engage others in reinforcing the "after all I've done for you" or "can't you see how much I/they have given you?" This can result in the child's anger, guilt or damaged esteem, or all three.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-5193363184566652672016-04-25T20:38:48.804-05:002016-04-25T20:38:48.804-05:00Hi Bob,
Not sure what you're even talking abo...Hi Bob,<br /><br />Not sure what you're even talking about here. This pattern is not going to end up being an issue in court. Of course one has to evaluate each case individually, and not rush to judgment based on the first thing people say.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-20612457596413442122016-04-25T19:30:06.433-05:002016-04-25T19:30:06.433-05:00Generalized psychobabble. We have judges in a cour...Generalized psychobabble. We have judges in a court to hear and rule on individual cases, not broad rushed opinions.bob pintohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14251648315553510748noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-21510717297796171212016-04-06T08:28:38.238-05:002016-04-06T08:28:38.238-05:00Dear David, my parents did what they could, but to...Dear David, my parents did what they could, but too many kids and too few dollars, gets real old real fast. At a very young age, I knew quite well, my parents felt STUCK!!! Who wouldn't - ugh! Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12009191540139452049noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-44317358204514738172016-04-04T19:20:44.892-05:002016-04-04T19:20:44.892-05:00I think there's no limit to the levels of soph...I think there's no limit to the levels of sophistication that can be developed over a lifetime of manipulation and counter manipulation. It's like that old trope - "But does she know that I know that she knows that I know?" You can make an amazing variety of dishes with just a few simple ingredients. I'm currrently dealing with a family who are doing their utmost to pathologise me because they think it will get them off the hook. When I point out to them that it will actually have the opposite effect, they cannot compute such a simple chain of cause and effect. Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06118685936313253917noreply@blogger.com