tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post6629195092017248029..comments2024-03-28T09:59:51.779-05:00Comments on Family Dysfunction and Mental Health Blog: Dysfunctional Family Roles, Part I: The SpoilerDavid M. Allen M.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-65201623387819097662021-08-20T11:58:08.319-05:002021-08-20T11:58:08.319-05:00To over-simplify, folks with BPD are faced with un...To over-simplify, folks with BPD are faced with unstable parents torn between anger over having to take care of children, and guilt over not wanting to, leading to a pattern of hostile overinvolvement alternating with hostile under-involvement. In order to stabilize the parents, they make them angry when they feel too guilty and guilty when the feel too a angry. Making the parents feel helpless can be used for either goal or even both at the same time. The person with BPD is conflicted over the spoiler role because, in a nutshell, it ain't fun.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-84013993477715891372021-08-19T22:25:10.355-05:002021-08-19T22:25:10.355-05:00In another post, you say these:
"The three re...In another post, you say these:<br />"The three reactions they shoot for in their targets are a sense of anxious helplessness, a sense of anxious guilt, and overt hostility."<br />And in a comment elaborating on it:<br />"In fact, secretly BPD patients hope beyond hope that they will FAIL at making others uncomfortable. My post about the spoiler role explains in general terms why they do all this - [link to this post]"<br /><br />How does this post explain those 3 things in particular as "goals" of the BPD person? I don't really understand how it does. Trying (and hoping to fail to get) elicit hostility, I can see, but where does seeking "anxious helplessness" or "anxious guilt" fit into this role?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12915437683848703753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-30807313090035000742017-02-06T21:58:20.823-06:002017-02-06T21:58:20.823-06:00My wife fits the spoiler perfectly.it's always...My wife fits the spoiler perfectly.it's always about her mother. She copied what here siblings did. Move away go to college. They returned home. She had to move back to the home town. Became a teacher like her mother. Taught at the same school her mother had. Taught the same grade as her mother. Wants to retire in administration like her mother. She gets real jealous if she thinks her brothers are getting more attention from her mother than she is. Guilty her mother into inviting her along. Her mother doesn't disagree with her that I have ever witnessed. Actually told me to just tell her what you think she wants to hearas relationship advice.yikes. my wife manufacturers crisis especially and dumps them on her mother.she gets her mother to write some of her college papers. She asked me to read a book and write a paper on it. I said have your mother do it.my plate is full. She practices on me, but I always felt she needs to say some stuff to her mother and in away I thought her mother wasn't going to give her the opportunity to do it. A part of the time she is like waving me in her mother's face like saying see this is a real parent. But she is smart she has figured out ways to get me to change my mind and she is relentless.you just wear down. It is kinda funny. I the good trustworthy parent get the anger and rage. And the bad parent gets to do stuff and take care of her. That's the opposite. She let me take care of her but never raged at her mom.Arthurhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00401670619131435694noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-11116194008605803272015-08-04T15:05:37.771-05:002015-08-04T15:05:37.771-05:00Hi anonymous,
Actually, once someone qualifies fo...Hi anonymous,<br /><br />Actually, once someone qualifies for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, the average number of additional personality disorders for which they will meet the criteria is 1.6! And they can be ANY of the other personality disorders.<br /><br />So yes, you're absolutely correct. Depending on family dynamics, any child can exhibit traits for several different family roles, or can even switch from one to a completely different one, depending on the family's apparent needs at any particular moment.<br /><br />Also, btw, there are more and more males with BPD, and more and more females with narcissistic personaltiy disorder, due to ongoing changes in gender roles in our culture.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-70620849881724860632015-08-04T12:18:46.677-05:002015-08-04T12:18:46.677-05:00It appears possible, even likely, that these roles...It appears possible, even likely, that these roles can be combined and fused for certain children, simply because the behaviours get the biggest bang for the buck from the parents... So I wonder if the Spoiler-Scapegoat would be the role from which an adult female possessing traits of comorbid BPD/NPD would spring forth? If not, what might the roles be that might hypothetically instill such personality disorders for a female? Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-70821266333180842502012-07-23T18:37:27.303-05:002012-07-23T18:37:27.303-05:00Unfortunately, I can't give you specific medic...Unfortunately, I can't give you specific medical advice about a child and family I haven't evaluated. <br /><br />However, I can say that, in general, it is perfectly normal for a child to be protective of a parent like that. If the parents fix their relationship, stop abusing one another physically and verbally, and establish appropriate boundaries, the child will in most cases readily give up the "parental child" role after a time.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-60024372240905551942012-07-23T05:09:56.994-05:002012-07-23T05:09:56.994-05:00hi
could you please help understand how to help a ...hi<br />could you please help understand how to help a child who is 4 yrs old and has become the protector of his mother ? yes there is domestic violence but not to the point that it can not be over come.there is no danger to the children phsically nor the mother any more, but the little boy still hates and acts as his mums protector if any one attacks her even verbally. what is the best way to treat this child when the domestic violence has stopped and the parents are getting help for themselvesAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com