tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post3752001191993366023..comments2024-03-28T09:59:51.779-05:00Comments on Family Dysfunction and Mental Health Blog: Some Questions Answered About Family Dynamics in Borderline Personality Disorder David M. Allen M.D.http://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-61689107687304966592016-09-28T19:02:21.460-05:002016-09-28T19:02:21.460-05:00Interesting blog, with many valuable insights.
I h...Interesting blog, with many valuable insights.<br />I have noticed a pattern in the way Borderline Personality Disorder - most often exhibited in women, is addressed versus Narcissism, its counterpoint in men. Although both exist on a continuum, the literature often emphasizes the "victimhood" of the Borderline female while the (typically) male Narcissist is usually vilified. <br />I attribute this to a cultural refusal to alter perceptions of women as capable of being abusers, especially when it disturbs our sacred notions about mothers and motherhood. <br />I understand many adult children of Borderlines work themselves over trying to "understand" an abusive parent who lacked empathy and insight. <br />Perhaps it is just a carry over from a childhood spent avoiding the reality that a parent was incapable of both parenting and loving.<br />As adults we can now face this frighening truth without fear of risk to our physical, emotional and psychological survival. <br /><br /><br />april snowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17690243776841026876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-39976947210018061012016-01-01T19:11:22.010-06:002016-01-01T19:11:22.010-06:00Hi Anonymous,
Again, unfortunately, I can only an...Hi Anonymous,<br /><br />Again, unfortunately, I can only answer your question by saying that there are a wide variety of reasons why people with BPD might take a particular tact like spreading lies about their own children, and it can take quite a while in therapy (and a lot of information about the parents' relationship to their own parents and beyond) to figure out a reasonable hypothesis.<br /><br />I discuss the general issue in the post: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201401/hatefulness-gift-love.<br /><br />The parents usually both fiercely desire and are, simultaneously, extremely frightened of the prospect of being forgiven by their children.David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-67995041517856843032016-01-01T18:44:47.524-06:002016-01-01T18:44:47.524-06:00I apologize for the long reply, but the only remai...I apologize for the long reply, but the only remaining question I have when applying your theory of the BPD parent sacrificing their child to save themselves, is why do they try to isolate you from other family members, friends, neighbors, etc. with smear campaigns and divide and conquer tactics? I still can't figure it out. They are not trying to save me from these other people, but they also enlist others to push me away and isolate me from everyone, including people we do not know mutually (such as telling horrible lies about me to my husband's family, so that they no longer speak to me either! Even tough my mother has absolutely no relationship with them.) I'm perplexed on that and was wondering your thoughts?<br /> <br />Overall, I feel much better simply understanding the causes of the madness, but I am still looking to fix the re-establish a healthy relationship. I am pretty certain about the causes of the abuse for three generations back, and I am guessing the next steps would be to have a highly-guided and well-planned meeting with my mother about the causes of her self -hate and why she does the things she does, as well as teaching her about why her mother did certain things to her?...all with the help of a family therapist of course. <br /><br />Thank you again for all of the clarity you have helped me to achieve. If I ever hit the lottery, I would emphatically support more research in this area! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-85451586224622148082016-01-01T18:24:39.045-06:002016-01-01T18:24:39.045-06:00As I continue to apply your ideas to my own story,...As I continue to apply your ideas to my own story, every single aspect lines up! For example, there was a time I attempted to have a sit-down discussion with my BPD mother and what I call "enabling" father, after I went no contact and they continued to call, text and stalk me, claiming to miss and love me. Unannounced, I walked into their house after two years, and asked to talk to them in the calmest of ways. You would think that they would have been so happy to see me, as they had been texting me to come around and bring my children because they loved and missed me. Well, before even putting my foot in the door, my mother screamed, told me to leave, called me every bad name in the book, locked herself in the bathroom, refused to let me speak one word while my father literally left the scene and put earplugs in his ears! I was so confused and remained as calm as I could and said I was leaving and would never look back. They then agreed to half-heartedly listen, spew lies and deny as I tried to lay boundaries (which was advised by my well-meaning therapist). I guessed I caught them off-guard and they were ill-prepared to have to invalidate, deny and lie about everything I was saying that was true. It was the oddest scene, but then the unexpected happened. I went to leave, feeling completely confused and unsuccessful at my attempt for change, when both of my parents hugged me and began hysterically crying and fell to their knees in utter pain without saying one word. I was so taken aback and confused. Upon replaying the entire scenario in my mind for months, there was this unspoken message from them to me: "we are sorry we have to treat you horribly, isolate you and push you away, but we love you and this is for your own good." It almost felt as though they were sending me into the military and they were saying their goodbyes. Their pain was real, and I was left completely confused. This occurred before finding your blogs, and now it all makes COMPLETE SENSE! Talk about clarity! Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-21625539718531138052016-01-01T18:06:14.533-06:002016-01-01T18:06:14.533-06:00When I began reading all of your blogs, things sta...When I began reading all of your blogs, things started to click. I applied your theories to my personal experience and it ALL fits and makes sense! And that means a lot, because I have major trust issues and am most definitely a highly skeptical person, due to my upbringing. Maybe it is because I am extremely desperate to find an explanation for the hell of a life I went through, and am hanging onto your explanations for dear life, or maybe it's because your theories are actually correct. The more I reflect on it, the more I think it's the latter. Your whole idea sounds absurd at first, almost like an "opposites world" where loving someone means to treat them horribly. Very hard to grasp, but once you look deeper and put the pain aside, you can really get to the cause of their BPD behavior, and then not feel so awful about yourself, as this phenomenon is just a natural human response in situations like this. On a side note, I almost wonder if there was ever a study on this relative to wild pack animals who maybe have a "spoiler" in their pack the same way as humans? It's somehow necessary for the survival of the group living out in the wilderness?<br><br /><br><br />Anyway, as much as I tried to comprehend that my mother's abuse was not my fault, I couldn't help but feel awful about myself. I couldn't shake the guilt and ingrained sense of worthlessness. However, after applying your theories to my own story, I have never felt better with this newfound knowledge!!! I wish everyone would really accept this theory in standard treatment for BPD families. It could save people from so much anguish, just knowing the CAUSE of the BPD parent's mistreatment.<br><br /><br><br />I have not yet sought treatment with one of the family therapists on your list, which I hope to eventually do, but just this insight from your blogs alone, which goes BEYOND creating boundaries, DBT for the parent, and cutting contact, had made a great impact on my life! I now have compassion for myself, as well as my mother, which was almost impossible before knowing about the kin selection and sacrifice of self theories. However, I do also believe there is a slight genetic tie-in somewhere when certain people are susceptible to becoming the "spoiler" or being chosen as the recipient of the BPD parent's abuse just by being born with highly sensitive personalities. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-39538913494617643732016-01-01T18:03:15.576-06:002016-01-01T18:03:15.576-06:00Ding, ding, ding! I just read your other reasons f...Ding, ding, ding! I just read your other reasons for the parental role conflict in the other article, and it hit the nail on the head! My mother is from a Catholic family and is the eldest daughter of 7. For years, we have heard how hard her childhood was, because she was forced to wake up hours earlier than her brothers in order to iron their school clothes. I truly believe you are onto something!<br><br /><br><br />It seems the skeptical children of BPD parents are so caught up in being extremely angry over the actions of their parents, RIGHTFULLY SO, but they are dismissive of your theory because they are hyper-focused on the injustices that have been happening to them. I want to genuinely thank you, however, because I had been the same way as I was coming to terms with the abuse. I feel as though I have been in a deep depression and unable to escape because of the injustices my BPD mother inflicted on my life. I ended up going no contact for over two years and became more depressed. It was hard to snap out of it, even while in therapy. I was obsessively spending 80% of my days harping over this horrible situation, replaying conversations, coming up with ways to fix or change the relationship, trying to make sense of the madness, trying to accept it all... it was awful. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-73504343537415444012015-12-28T20:25:51.525-06:002015-12-28T20:25:51.525-06:00Hi anonymous,
Thank you for your kind words.
The...Hi anonymous,<br /><br />Thank you for your kind words.<br /><br />There are several other sources of the core parental conflict that I write about besides gender role issues, although those are probably the most common ones. I list seven other ones in the post http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/matter-personality/201206/borderline-personality-disorder-meet-the-parents-part-ii.<br /><br />Not sure the conflict can be caused by resentment over "anything," but being preoccupied with one's own conflicts can certainly create the feeling that kids' needs are making one's life harder.<br /><br />Thanks for asking, but sorry, I do not do telepsychiatry by Skype. Even if I did, I'd have to be licensed in all the states where the patients live. The laws have not kept up with the technology!<br /><br />I have not had much success in garnering followers for my model, so I wouldn't ask potential therapists about unified therapy per se. The types of therapies on my list share many of the same premises, but techniques vary widely. <br /><br />The idea that personality disorders represent a sacrifice of the self to the family system is shared only by a small percentage of family systems therapists, and even they are not familiar with the theory that predicts that, called "kin selection" by evolutionary biologists, and how kin selection shapes the formation of mental models of how interpersonal relationships are supposed to function ("role-relationship schemas").David M. Allen M.D.https://www.blogger.com/profile/06280912088483192599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3125132926699584358.post-66571671212644809212015-12-28T13:35:59.769-06:002015-12-28T13:35:59.769-06:00I have been following your blogs, and would like t...I have been following your blogs, and would like to thank you for shedding so much light on my dysfunctional family. You frequently mention how the parents of BPD children have an underlying conflict about their role as a parent, or consider their children to be burdensome, which leads to alternating under or overinvolvement. You usually attribute this parental role conflict to subconscious intergenerational gender role issues. Do you think that this is the only possible reason for their internal hostility over their parental role, or do you think it could also stem from ANY type of deep underlying resentment about ANYTHING (such as maybe an injustice in their life such as something like being bullied by classmates, an injustice in the workplace, an accident or crime committed against them or anything else they perceive as a major hurt)? Maybe the periods of over-involvement versus under-involvement and neglect are directly related to the parent trying to heal and make peace with their internal resentment? When they focus on healing themselves, they take a backseat as parents to zero in on trying to solely (and selfishly) attend to their own needs in an attempt to fill the hole, or are maybe too depressed about their underlying issue to be there for the child? When they eventually "cheer up" (temporarily) they try to make up for their absence/neglect by over-parenting, yet the underlying resentment is still not fully healed, and the hostility over it seeps out in the form of abuse? This cycle then repeats as the parent is never truly able to heal or feel whole again. It's as if they have a major chip on their shoulder that is hurting them and makes it difficult to attend to a child, while they themselves are not whole.<br /><br />This to me makes sense, when asking whether or not a BPD parent actually LOVES their child... in a way, they really do want to love their child, and do not intentionally inflict harm, but their interpsychic conflict about whatever hurt they have trumps all else, and filling that internal hurt takes absolute precedence in the parent's life. They can't help being a selfish parent, because they don't have a whole self to give. They want to love their child, but they are incapable until they fix themselves first.<br /><br />Either way, everyone hurts and I would love to seek counseling to fix my relationship with my BPD mother. I have been no contact for two years to lessen my anxiety, but that nagging unnatural kinship stuff nags at me relentlessly. I don't think no contact, or "trying to set boundaries" work, so I would love to give your method a try. Do you provide online services, or know of a therapist in the Philadelphia area that uses your methods? Are all of the therapists on your list familiar with Unified Therapy? Thank you so much for everything. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com